Challaine (00:32)
And welcome everyone to today's episode of Let's Have a Chat. I have Hannah Bailey with me today and we are talking motherhood and not losing ourselves with this bump and grind. Thank you so much, Hannah, for being on the show with me today.
Hannah (00:46)
Thanks for having me, I'm really excited. Especially because it sounds like as we were getting to know each other, our dynamics are a little bit different. So it's like, okay, how do we not lose ourselves in motherhood?
Challaine (00:56)
Absolutely, and I just want to say kudos and like congratulations. Like this is your guest application for those of you watching on YouTube. I'm holding or listening. I'm holding up a guest app and you were part of the US Army National Guard. You've got four children. You started a few years ago with a pet sitting business. You're a life coach now. Did you actually attend the Tony Robbins?
Hannah (01:15)
Yes.
Challaine (01:25)
live event.
Hannah (01:26)
Not in life. No, unfortunately, it was still virtual when it started and I've done it twice now. I did. I do have coaching though. So I did elevate into that. My actual employer invested that into me and then I started to branch out into my own coaching sphere. So it's been a really great experience of I do want to go in person. I could have gone at the last one because I didn't realize it was in Jersey, but my free ticket was for live. So I are the remote one. I thought.
Challaine (01:56)
Did you attend the one from like last week? He had a three day. it was so good. It was so good. So good. Again, thank you for being on the show. How did you, how did you get to this place in your life where you're like, moms, we really don't need to like lose ourselves to be a mom. You've got four kids. I've got four kids. Sometimes like shit is going crazy and we're like, like really freaking out.
Hannah (01:56)
Okay.
No, there was one in November. Yeah.
Yeah.
So, yeah.
Challaine (02:24)
How did you get to this point where you're like, I got this, it's all good.
Hannah (02:28)
Yeah.
So originally, I think it comes from childhood trauma of watching my parents just struggle with raising so many children and the dynamic of it's chaos and everyone's going every which direction. There were five total and all in three different households. So like sometimes all five of us would be there and then divorced parents and then another one would come in and you're like, what the heck? They're just this ever rotating mix of children.
Challaine (02:40)
How many kids?
Hannah (02:55)
So I was like, I am not going to recreate my childhood for my children. And what really set it up for me was my husband and I nearly divorced when he got out of the Navy. And I thought, okay, there I go down that path of nearly recreating my childhood as a parent. And so I thought I have to pump the brakes and recognize what behavioral patterns I was taking into adulthood that I needed to fix because I needed to heal myself.
And so I just took control and I thought, okay, I was not on a very structured schedule and I kind of had free reign and I joked, I give my children free reign for the most part with a lot of love and attention because I don't want them to grow up to struggle as an adult and think I was learned and taught nothing. And so it really stemmed from childhood drama.
Challaine (03:37)
Yes.
Is that how you feel that you were learned? Well, you learned
a lot of bad things, but taught nothing.
Hannah (03:54)
yeah, absolutely. It was almost a raising yourself, which can have its pros and cons. And if you look at it as a blessing instead of resentful and a woe is me, then you actually do create the life that you want. So that's why I went into mind coaching. Yeah. Don't even know.
Challaine (04:08)
I love that mindset shift because it's the same situation. It's
the same situation, but whichever way you look at it, you can change your perception of that exact same situation. Instead of woe is me, you're like, hey, I got something here. I can learn from this and I can take charge.
Hannah (04:20)
Yeah.
My one quote that I tell all of my coaching clients, I say, your perception is your initial response, but your perspective decides where you go with it.
Challaine (04:36)
Say that again.
Hannah (04:37)
Your perception is your initial response, but your perspective is where you go with it.
Challaine (04:45)
Can you talk about, you mentioned briefly, excuse me, about your marriage and it was going to end. How did you tackle that? Because as moms, we always say, we have to put our children first. We have to put our children first. And I've said that a lot along the way. And my husband is like, nope, I'm putting you first. And I'm like, no, I'm putting the kids first. So where were you on that?
Hannah (04:51)
Yes. Yeah.
Challaine (05:13)
in that dynamic? Like were you okay I want to focus on my marriage and do this or like I got to put my kids first or did you even have kids at that time?
Hannah (05:20)
Yeah, we had two. So I have a nine year old from a previous relationship. then at the time, so all of my pregnancies have been four years apart, which has actually been wonderful for healing myself. I like that I felt like I've been in control. So we had to my oldest was so it's been about three years now. She was six and then almost two year old at the time. Originally, it was for the children. And I thought I cannot do this to them.
because I know how much I sought out external validation and I knew what that did for my mindset and I thought, what am I doing wrong? And I recognized that I was actually being selfish in the life that I was leading at the time because they were old enough that I could take them and anyone would watch them. I could have things for myself and I was doing bodybuilding back then and I took a lot of time.
in the gym for a lot of materialistic things. And there's nothing wrong with that. I want everyone to go to the gym. I want everyone to work out. want everyone to have something for themselves and be healthy because if we're not healthy for ourselves, we can't be healthy for our children or our spouse. But I was getting into this point of I was still seeking external validation. So, you know, I wanted my lashes done all the time. Like I'm bare faced right now. I wanted my hair done all the time. It got to a point where
coming out of COVID and lockdowns in 2020, 2021, 2022, you look at yourself and you're like, we're free, we can do all kinds of things, but was it really fulfilling and validating? And the answer was no. And I recognize that my husband loved me so much that no matter what had happened in the last four years, because he deployed to the Middle East in 2020 during lockdowns, 156 days on the ocean and no land. And so there was just a lot of resentment.
Challaine (07:05)
Oof.
Hannah (07:09)
and it stemmed from I had to live separate from him for four years due to his contract and
Challaine (07:13)
Sorry,
resentment towards him for being away.
Hannah (07:17)
There was resentment there because I knew that he wanted to join and we only got about four months of marriage before he left. And I thought, man, you didn't choose me. And so I recognized, okay, how is he ever going to choose me if I don't let him choose me now that he's out and prove that we actually like each other and this is going to work out. Yes, yes.
Challaine (07:37)
That's a big thing. Like, yes, the love is there, but you have to like your partner too. it's more than
love is not always just enough.
Hannah (07:47)
No, no, not at all. And I was like, man, we've already got a child together. I'm going to have to deal with him for the rest of my life. I should probably deal with him in a way that I like him instead of kind of thing and passing a child back and forth. And it became separating my ego of control. I was in a very masculine energy of I'm raising two children by myself. I'm doing all these moves by myself and almost resentment of I want your help.
But I didn't know how to surrender that and say, okay, this is actually a healthy family dynamic where two spouses work together and raise the children together. And I'd never witnessed that. So I think there was hesitation upfront until I thought he actually is capable. But I had this belief system, no man is capable. They're only there for us because we need them here and there. And I had to surrender that thought of, okay, let's see it.
Challaine (08:43)
That's a tough
process to be like, my ego is way up here and I need to like scale it down. And you know, it's interesting because sometimes I feel the same, like my husband, works out of town. Occasionally we were talking about, live in Canada and we own a landscaping business. So he goes out to the West coast where it's spring and no snow and he can work on landscaping. And I feel like when he comes home, I'm like, this is my routine, this is my house.
Hannah (08:48)
Yeah.
Yeah.
Challaine (09:12)
these are my kids and to really just kinda like step back and be like, well, he's a dad, he's a man. Like he can do things as well and we can, it's okay to break routine sometimes and like let him step in and be the father that he wants to be, right? Not the father that I am telling him he has to be. Yeah.
Hannah (09:36)
Right. Yeah, my husband
definitely felt like he had no role and that no one respected him and that no one wanted him included. And so it came with a lot of tough conversations in order to not lose myself too, because I recognized I was trying to be too many roles that I could not do alone. And it was not benefiting my children or myself. It was just hurting everyone I was having conversations with because I was so burnt out.
Challaine (10:02)
Can you mention some of those roles? feel like some of the moms listening can be like, yeah, raise a hand or two to some of these roles that we feel that we have to do alone when we really don't have to do it alone.
Hannah (10:09)
Yeah.
Yeah, so here's to quote this I tell all my clients this as well you can have it all but you can't do it all and what I mean by that is you can have a clean house but you can't do it all by yourself your children that are capable and able that participate in the home can help you it's up to you to decide do I want to have them learn these life skills or do I want to say okay for the next 18 years
and then you add on another four years because one's four years younger, then you add on another however many, it becomes decades of it, but they're capable. You're not asking a lot out of them. It's not child abuse to say, pick up your socks. Hey, carry this down to the laundry. Hey, put your dishes in the sink. So I recognize. Yeah, they wanna help, no.
Challaine (10:41)
Yeah.
Totally.
And they love it. Sorry to interrupt, but they absolutely love it.
Like my three and two year old children, they like love putting their dishes off the table into the sink. then, or when we're unloading, they'll take the cutlery out one by one and just throw it in the drawer and I'll fix it up or whatever. But they love being a part of it. Like it gives them something to do and a sense of I did it and like accomplishment, which I think is self-esteem building.
Hannah (11:04)
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Yes!
Absolutely, and I didn't have that. had someone clean our house bi-weekly growing up and then we lost all of that. There was a whole issue that I could go on a whole backstory and podium and whatnot, but I'm not going to. But I grew up not learning these things and so I felt insufficient as a wife and I struggled for a long time. And so trying to play keeping up and learning all the things that I felt were housekeeping, raising our children.
going to work at the time I was working outside of the home, raising our animals because we bought a farm and just all of these roles that had to be done, making sure everyone was fed, making sure bills were paid, all of it. I didn't have to do all of it. And so I ended up hiring someone to help us with the farm because if my husband was home at the time, he would have helped, but he wasn't there. So I had help come in every now and then.
I had enough and these are all women that I was helping and hiring. wasn't hiring men. I was hiring women that I knew needed something.
Challaine (12:21)
My husband would lose his shit if he was
out of town. was like, yeah I'm just gonna hire some man to come fix this he would lose it just to be honest
Hannah (12:29)
Yeah.
Yeah, but at the time, but I was thinking too, you know, these women want a role, they need something for themselves. Also, this gets them out of the house. Some of them want to have that community. And so my mission was, I'm going to help these women, because they don't want a regular routine where it's nine to five, and then they're struggling to pick up their children, they're struggling to do their own housework and meals and x, y, z, they need something that they can
have that's flexible, that they can be trusted with. And so I've had help with cleaning the house. I can't do it all. We're on three acres. We're going to move to 13 here soon. And thinking of that and like, man, when we do that, yeah, yeah, four times, yeah. I recognized that even though I didn't have, like I am not the best housekeeper and I will never claim to be.
Challaine (13:12)
Three to thirteen, that's a big jump. That's huge.
Hannah (13:25)
but there are people that I know that are and that love it and I'm able to provide them something. And so for me to say, this is a role that I can offload here and there, it's not an everyday thing, it's not an every week thing, but it's something to keep me sane because I have a high workload already. I podcast, I coach clients every day, I'm on Zoom all the time. In order to have all that be fluid, we have to delegate.
And I don't know if I mentioned this to you once, but I live by the four D's. Do delay, delegate and delete. And every
Challaine (13:59)
Ooh, I'm
that one down. Do delay, delegate, and delete.
Hannah (14:03)
Every single woman can live by this. What can you do? What can you delay? What can you delete from your calendar or whatever you don't want to participate in? And what can you delegate out?
Challaine (14:16)
That's like, Jean, I think the episode's over. Like that kind of really sums it up, hey? It's so true.
Hannah (14:23)
I'm a huge
personal development person, but when I heard those four and you can put everything in those buckets, it made so much sense. And I'm like, wow, why was I trying to do all of this? I don't have to.
Challaine (14:38)
I'm speechless. Do, delay, delegate, and delete. And you know, we don't have to do it all and we can't, like we put these such high expectations on ourselves and we can't be 100 % at 100 % of the things 100 % of the time. And with these high expectations, these high egos, it just ends up, we end up failing ourselves we feel like and feeling, yeah, feeling like a failure because we didn't reach that max capacity on absolutely everything we do.
For me, for example, I have an assistant who does the podcast after me. I like content and creation and not the editing part, but she's so good, right? And she's so quick and she gets the emails out and that's her job. And she's really, really good at it. I have an accountant. I fucking hate taxes, right? I, exactly, exactly. So it's so important that we hire out to...
Hannah (15:16)
Right.
Yeah? Yeah, I don't need my intactas.
Challaine (15:33)
the people who have the skills and the want and the drive to get these things done.
Hannah (15:38)
Yeah, and think of how much time and bandwidth you have once you do that because when I've had women come in and help clean the house I'm able to do something else in the house that I want to do and It's only for chunks of time. It's one to three hours I had a part-time nanny after I had my twins so I could nap because I knew That I just need to get a one to four hour nap in there somewhere and she can help me with everything else It's it doesn't even have to be all the time
Challaine (16:03)
Absolutely.
and one baby
is hard enough, but two babies, right? Like, yeah, you have to sleep. You have to sleep.
Hannah (16:07)
Yeah,
and that was when my husband worked full time. So I was like, you are going to pay for this because this is something that I need. This isn't something that I can just jump into. Because I think postpartum, know, naturally, you're within a two year frame of developing PPA, PPP, PPD, all these health issues. And if we don't have the lineup of
of help and resources, we fail and we start to struggle and then we start to have really heavily reduced self-esteem for decades. I have a lot of women that come into our program and they are like, I'm 40, I, X, Y, Z fill in the blank. know, they have all these things that come up and I'm like, okay, but if you live to 85, you still have another 40 years. What do you mean? And they're like, wow, I never thought about my next 40 years.
because everyone's looking at what have I not done, not what do I have left that I can do. And so motherhood is a short chunk and I try to relish in it, but I also know I can't do it alone.
Challaine (17:16)
And yes, we will be mothers until our final breath, but the children living in the home, hopefully, isn't forever, right? And like, what is your life going to look like as you're a mother to adult children? We tend to get so just enveloped in the here and now, which is awesome. Be present, in the moment. But thinking about like, what's Shalane's future going to look like? What's Hannah's future going to look like?
without the shuffling of the feet, without the hockey practice, the dance practice. I think we should really take a moment and be like, seriously, what is my life going to look like when my youngest is 20 and doesn't want to be at home anymore? That's a sobering thought.
Hannah (17:58)
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, that definitely leads us into,
okay, who am I? And how I not lose myself in motherhood because then I have, I have an empty nest and women struggle just as much then as they do to send them off to college when they're completely alone. Who are you to your spouse? Do you have anything in common or were you just in that mundane cycle of go to work, pay the bills, come home, sports, and then we catch up on sleep? Yeah.
Challaine (18:29)
And that's just it. Like the
who am I versus what I what I do. Right. We really need to like segregate those like I'm a podcast host. I'm a coach. I'm a mother. I'm a taxi driver. I'm all these things. That's what I do. But who am I? Right. Like I'm a creator. I'm an author. I'm a I'm a visionary. I'm a lover. I'm passionate. I love. Yeah. I love to write like all.
Hannah (18:42)
Yeah.
Yeah.
Challaine (18:55)
we have to segregate who I am versus what I do. And we get so trapped into the what I do, right? And really...
Hannah (19:02)
Yeah, and what I do
becomes who I am and that's not synonymous at all.
Challaine (19:08)
How can we or how have you figured out who you are? How can we figure out who we truly are?
Hannah (19:16)
So a lot of rest and I actually blame my friends. It's true though. If I come at this with a biblical stance, rest has been the biggest thing that and like whether someone's a believer or not, I think there's a lot of good information you can glean from this. Rest is the biggest thing. Like God has forced so many people into rest and submission that they have no choice. And when you're in that restful state,
Challaine (19:19)
Okay, I'm out, I'm going for a nap. I'm out.
Hannah (19:44)
all of a sudden everything feels like it's not falling apart around you. When you wake up, you're like, wow, nothing bad actually happened. And you think, well, that's weird because I expected the whole house to implode and nothing happened. So something that I did when I got pregnant with my twins is I put into my work calendar time blocks so I could nap. So my boss and my coworker, there's only three of us, could not schedule anything in those time blocks. And I honored that.
So I honor myself the same way I honor appointments with our physician. If you got heartbreaking news that you have to have a surgery, you're not going to reschedule that surgery. You're going to honor that. So we need to honor rest as much as we honor everything else. think about the, and like I'm definitely not a 1950s wife by any means. Like I said, I don't clean. I'm not good at it, but they rested too. They took time to read, they had hobbies.
Challaine (20:23)
Right, of course, of course.
Hannah (20:42)
I wonder what shift happened outside of why did we get away from the slowdown? Why is it?
Challaine (20:48)
And the
rest, you don't just mean go and take a nap.
Hannah (20:51)
No, and you can rest with a book. You can rest by getting a massage, a chiropractor, like anything that you feel restful or rejuvenated with. If it's being in a sauna, if it's taking a hot shower, I think too many people just neglect the time of relaxing in a shower and going slow. Like we have these things called everything showers where you're actually shaving all of your legs and your armpits and you're actually taking care of yourself. And I think
When did we get away from just like hopping in, hopping out and get into this habit of we have to schedule on everything shower? Like what?
Challaine (21:21)
Just.
It's so true now that you're saying that, yeah.
Hannah (21:31)
It's just little things where it seems like we are so fast paced. And I was listening to a podcast clip the other day about we work more than we've ever worked before and we're not satisfied. And I think if more people rested and they slowed down, they would recognize that their job is not losing money. They're not losing anything but themselves and their sanity and sleep because they have not.
slow down, they're always looking at the next thing, but that next thing the goalpost continues to move. And if we treat it like it's
Challaine (22:04)
That is such
an important statement that you just said. We're chasing all these goals. You're going to get to, but there's going to be a new goal. You're constantly going to be trying to move forward.
Hannah (22:13)
Yeah. And what I recognized for myself was my ego was just taking me deeper into anxiety and taking me deeper into lack of satisfaction because it wasn't, okay, I've reached this. It was what's next. And I think too many people ask, well, what's next? And while it's well intentioned, it's not enough to find satisfaction in that. It's not enough to find
success and productivity, I think we have lost the sense of achievement where it's keep going, keep going, keep going. But I don't think humans were meant to just burn themselves out and put themselves in the ground. You you have some religions that honor the Sabbath and they don't do anything on Saturdays and that's great. And what's next? Nothing bad happens. They just rest. can't do I'm like...
Challaine (23:03)
It's so true!
Hannah (23:06)
What the heck? Like, why did we get into a habit of working 60 hours a week and thinking, this is just what we have to do. again, goes back. Yeah, it goes back to ego. What is it that you are trading off? And for me, I would rather live a simpler life of not shopping as often and getting my lashes done than chasing an extra client to fill the void of getting routine lashes every six weeks because it wasn't worth it. I'm like,
Challaine (23:13)
This is just normal.
Hannah (23:36)
You know what? I'm not here to solve everyone's problems if I have problems that continue to arise because I keep chasing that routine and trying to uphold an image when really no one's even looking at that. wouldn't. book more podcasts now than I did when I was completely dolled up. And I'm like, OK, I've learned something. It doesn't matter.
Challaine (23:36)
Yeah.
No one cares.
That's like, I don't know if you've seen recently, like the past year, Pamela Anderson, she has just like stripped it all and she doesn't like, she doesn't care. She's like, I don't know how old she is, 50 or 60. And the backlash she's getting for it, number one, totally unfair. And number two, like that is like true, just like owning everything that you are. Like she's been so typecast as this Baywatch
Hannah (24:05)
Yes!
Yeah!
I love that for her.
And.
Challaine (24:29)
babe from what was that 30 years ago like do we have no understanding that people get older and that's okay like it's it's a blessing to to get older right you're you're living life
Hannah (24:32)
Yes.
Yeah? Yeah?
Absolutely. Yeah.
It's so funny. My oldest was watching a video today. And she's like, he's only 15. He's still a kid. And I was like, yeah, exactly. Whereas I felt back at 15, I'm like, I know everything. I can do everything. here I am twice that. I'm 30 now. And I thought, that is a child.
Challaine (24:56)
gosh.
Yeah, I know
right like in hindsight like 15, 16 high school days like you're invincible and you just you know it all right but there's something that comes with age in here at all the time wisdom you can't you just you don't have that at at that age. Can we go back to you mentioned conversation with your husband
Hannah (25:12)
in.
Yeah. Absolutely.
Yeah.
Challaine (25:27)
and when you were kind of losing yourself and you had these expectations of yourself and you could do it all. What conversations do you have with a partner when you're at this point in your life? Because let's be honest, spade to spade, conversations are sticky and icky. We don't want to have them, especially with our person, which we should be having with our person because they're our person. So how can we like...
Hannah (25:51)
Absolutely. Yeah.
Challaine (25:56)
break the ice and have these conversations where we can avoid conflict and come up with a solution to the problem rather than this like tug of war with this person because I ultimately at the end of the day that's what we want to find. Yes there's problems in relationships but we want to find the solution and if we can both focus on the solution then I think that's that's the goal right.
Hannah (26:08)
Yeah.
Absolutely. So this one is really funny and not everyone is going to agree with this. He and I set ultimatums and it sounds absolutely intimidating and aggressive and unhealthy. However, the ultimatum has to benefit both of us. And so it cannot be one sided of if then kind of thing against one person. It's an if this happens, then we get to
Challaine (26:26)
Okay.
Hannah (26:49)
x, y, So there has to be gain for the not just one of us, both of us and the entire family. So when my husband I decided to get back together and he got and because there was some time apart, you know, we had to diffuse and there was paperwork in the court that we were pending to divorce and we pulled it. However, when he came home, I said, I want to have more children, but you have to hold down a civilian job for at least a year. And by God,
The month after he held down a career for one year in the civilian world because he had never held one without hopping around. Same place. He, we get pregnant with the twins and I was like, my God, what is going on? I did. And so then he, it was nuts. It was nuts. What was even crazier is we went in and I found out 10 days post-obulation.
Challaine (27:28)
Yeah, yeah.
You totally manifested that. That just gave me goosebumps. Like that's, that's incredible. That's so cool.
Hannah (27:47)
Like everything has been natural. So we go into this early detection and on the way there I said, I think I'm going to have twins. And he goes, you're nuts. And I was like, no, I think there are twins. They were only seven weeks and two days and both sacks and both heartbeats were found in this early detection place. And I was like, what in the world is going on? So it was the coolest experience ever. And just that nudge of, hey, if you honor yourself, it will come. So.
Challaine (28:05)
Wow, that's so cool.
Hannah (28:17)
Healthiest pregnancy, everything's been great. Then he got a new job, which had reduced hours. He took a $15 hour pay cut because I wanted him home more.
Challaine (28:28)
$15 less than what he was making per hour. Wow.
Hannah (28:30)
Yes, yes. And
here's why the hours were better. He was closer to home and the health care was better. So he also had a lot of flexibility with it and we were very grateful for that. And I think if we didn't buy when we bought in 2021, like the beginning of the year before the market went crazy, that would not be a possibility. But financially, it's all worked out and this is something that you have to have conversations with your spouse. You have to be
responsible with finances and have those hard conversations or this would not be a possibility for us. And we're a family of six and I'm not a financial guru but I can tell you from experience, if you watch your money, it will work for you. If you know where it goes, it will flow for you. So anyway, back to the hard conversations that happened and then I told them, I said, okay.
I know you want to go back to school. And since he hadn't used any of his military benefits, I said, you can quit your job if you immediately go to school because I knew that they would pay. Yeah. So he, he didn't enroll immediately because of the semester situation. it was April when he quit his job.
Challaine (29:32)
Look at you, ultimata mama.
Why, I gotta interject, why was school
so important for you to say to him you had to go back to school?
Hannah (29:50)
Well, he wanted to go to school to further his career. And so he started getting motivated because he was like, man, I actually held a commitment. you know, he's been divorced once from someone else. And so I just like that installment of I believe in you gave him a lot of confidence. And I think women don't put a lot of confidence in their spouse because we feel like there's
Challaine (29:53)
Okay, okay.
Hannah (30:16)
this make believe system of they have to meet this criteria. And it's just easy to complain when it's your spouse and be like, well, you don't do this, or you don't do that, or you don't hear me. But when I stopped doing that, and I've said this on another podcast before, when I started to bite my tongue, he started to do more things. And he started to listen better. And so I had to teach myself restraint.
Challaine (30:29)
Yeah.
Hannah (30:44)
to some degree, and I am not a submissive wife by any means. I am very much a, a team, we're going together. However, I knew how to control the environment if my emotional control was reined in. And that's something that a lot of people in general lack, not just women. Men lack emotional control. Look at how many times we see something pop up online of a video of a man lashing out and jumping out of his car to, you know, pick a fight with someone.
Challaine (31:10)
Totally.
Yeah, yeah.
Hannah (31:11)
And you're like,
heck? Like, it is not that big of a deal. But looking at that and saying, OK, I have the control and I've been in control before. He wants me in control because for children is a lot, but he wants to be included. That made conversations easier. So when he went to school, I knew that they were going, yeah, men just want to be included. I'm like, all her troopers. Yes. So when I thought to.
Challaine (31:30)
He just wants to be included. I love that. I just want my poor husband. He just wants to be included.
Hannah (31:40)
to myself about that. And I had conversations with my boss, who's my mentor, and he's invested a lot in me as well. I was like, what is it? And he's like, you just have to stop talking sometimes. And I thought, whoa, I have to stop talking. And it worked out. was like, now I'm hearing what the real issue is. It has nothing to do with me. It has nothing to do with whatever is stressing him out. And so
the job he was in was stressing him out a little bit because he was picking up work for other people. And I said, okay, then quit because I knew the funding that we would get would be equal to what we were getting anyway. And we would end up offsetting some expenses anyway and gas for his drive into work and all this other stuff. And time so much time, so much. Yeah. So that's how we got into these hard conversations was okay.
Challaine (32:24)
and time. Time.
keep going.
Hannah (32:34)
I am on track with all of this. I am very detailed with the logistics side of things, but now you have to hold up your end of the bargain to make this work. And if it doesn't, then you're on back to work.
Challaine (32:46)
Yeah, absolutely. And we picked our partners at the beginning, right? And didn't we pick them because we loved them, we believed in them, we were confident in them and their abilities as a man or as a spouse, whatever floats your boat, right? Like we picked our partners at the beginning. And I think it's important to continue to pick your partner, right? And that's just it. Like it's a partnership.
Hannah (32:50)
Yeah?
Yes. Yeah.
Challaine (33:14)
It doesn't have to be this like game of tug of war, this back and forth. Now, did he ever give you any ultimatums?
Hannah (33:18)
Right.
necessarily. And I think I kind of set my own I said, you know, I'll stop doing like getting my hair done as often I'll stop, you know, getting my lashes done. I stopped personal training. And I actually told my boss that he was going to hire me and it'll be it'll be four years in July. So so far it's working out. You know, I just I did both. So I stopped doing both. And I said, Hey,
Challaine (33:26)
No?
You stop being a personal trainer or having a personal trainer. Okay. Okay.
Hannah (33:52)
I am going to do life coaching for you. And he was like, okay, then, you know, was like, if you're gonna send me to Tony Robbins and all these seminars and whatnot, then I think that makes sense. Then when I got pregnant with my twins, I said, okay, I'm never working in person again, but that's okay because we're getting clients from all across the country. And he was just like, okay. And I think because his wife was my landlord for six years prior to that, he was like,
She is good with her word. I think he's just taking a gamble on me, but at the same time, it has panned out very well. So my ultimatums have basically been set for myself. I did tell my husband, once we are debt-free, mortgage-free, we can have more children. And so whether that starts in the next year or two, I don't know. I'm okay with him being in school still because he'd be home and it's self-paced for the most part. That's a whole other thing, but.
Challaine (34:20)
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Hannah (34:48)
I don't think that there are a lot of ultimatums put on me as much as it does benefit me and he is in agreement.
Challaine (34:56)
That's, I just love your relationship and where it's at right now. And I love your decisiveness. Like you told your boss, I'm going to be your life coach. That's like a brain wow moment. Like let's start getting more intentional, more decisive and going after what we truly want.
Hannah (35:06)
yeah. Yeah.
you
Yeah, we have to just ask. And the worst thing that someone can say is no. Yeah, but I think too many people are just afraid to be bold and ask for what they want because they're afraid of either rejection or they're going to be cut off from whatever they think that they're gaining at that moment. And I was not afraid of that. I have never been afraid of that because if not that person, then someone else.
Challaine (35:25)
Or in your case, just tell.
That's so true. What can we ask for as a wife and a mother in our relationship with our spouse for what we want? What, like to make our lives easier, to make them feel as a participant, as a partner, as a father, and to like, I know my husband, he just wants to the load, right? Like just less burden to carry for me. So what can you suggest for
Hannah (35:51)
Thank
Challaine (36:18)
those of us who are very like, got it all, I can't ask for help. What should we be asking for to make our lives better?
Hannah (36:25)
Yeah.
The first thing that helped my husband and I was I asked him if I could give him a list. I didn't say, hey, I'm making you a list. I asked him, can I give you a list because I really need help. And it's all about how you phrase it so that they don't feel like you're dumping on them when they've had long work days or they've got other things going on. yeah.
Challaine (36:46)
And how would you respond to that too? Like if your husband went to you and was like, hey, I
need you to do this, this, this, this, this. If he came to you and said, would you mind if I gave you a list? Like I have a few things I need some help with. Totally different response is gonna come out of that question.
Hannah (36:53)
Yeah.
Yeah? Yeah.
Yeah.
So I think because it's asking for permission, that it comes off a lot softer than hey, I made you a list. I need you to look at this. It's it but there has to be a trade off. And I know that not every couple is going to experience this. Like last night, I went to bed so early. And I got up around 1am our time and I thought okay, he needs to sleep and I can handle
Challaine (37:10)
I've been guilty of that for sure.
Hannah (37:29)
adding wood to the wood stove because we would heat our house. And so I thought he made sure that I got plenty of rest. I took a nap yesterday, he made sure all the laundry was put away. He has not complained. And I think if we recognize the little things of like they want to lighten our load. And if we just release it, they are capable. You know, I went on my first trip last month to Tampa for four days because of a bachelorette weekend. And
I was so nervous and I came home to a clean house. have never seen it. I don't know. Maybe, maybe, but he did so well. And I thought that was proof that I can absolutely have more children with him because he is capable because he handled all four of them, got them all to where they needed to be and fed them and they were all happy. And he was like, just take a nap. Like you've been traveling all day. And I'm like, who are you? But I think he recognized just take a nap. Yeah. And I'm like, you've been alone for four days.
Challaine (38:02)
Did he hire someone while you were gone?
Just take a nap? That's so cool. Yeah.
Hannah (38:27)
He recognized in that time alone how much I was doing. And there was a level of appreciation that he didn't have before. And so being able to see appreciation and recognition made it so much more valuable. And he understood why at that point I was saying, hey, can I make this list? Because it will make things easier in XYZ. And there have been times with school.
I do remind him he's not very good with time management and that's okay. We all have our faults. But I've reminded him over and over again. And finally, I stopped reminding him of stuff and he had to fall on his face. And I said, Hey, I'm a little worried because I know it's a lot of work. Do you understand now why I'm not trying to parent him, but I'm trying to get him to understand where I'm coming from in a sense of love of hey, I you know, you're not working. Help let me help you carve out the time so that you don't feel like
You're being pulled every direction with our babies and with me and my schedule because you are accommodating to that. He does have to pick up some slack because I do have a lot more calls that I'm taking. I have a lot more meetings, but the trade-off is he doesn't have to go deal with traffic. He doesn't have to leave the house to deal with anything. He can cook anything he wants all day long if he wants to, as long as he gets these certain things done. And that's freedom. Yes. Yes. Yeah.
Challaine (39:44)
And he's a present father figure in the home.
That is so important.
Hannah (39:48)
And I did not have that.
Like I have a great relationship with my dad, but I didn't have that. And I sought validation from other men growing up. And so unfortunately that it is, but I can reflect on that and say, it's not even my dad's fault. He did the best that he could. And now he's a present grandfather. When I had my first, he said, I'm not helping you raise these kids. I raised my own and coming from someone who he had three failed marriages with three different women, you know, like
Challaine (39:57)
That's a new ball of wax, isn't it?
Yeah.
Hannah (40:17)
I understand that
tip on his shoulder, but now he wants to be around all the time and that I'm also proving to him I'm not who my mother was. And so there's a lot of validation and acceptance of myself and healing of you don't have to be like your parents either. And the love will still come and flow to you. So there's just a lot to dissect out of this that we could talk about all day long.
Challaine (40:45)
goodness. Can we talk
about ego? At the beginning you mentioned about like your ego was like way up here and you do it all. But there has to be like not a balance. I'm trying to refrain from using the word balance because we're never gonna find balance but we can find harmony. There has to be like a harmonious use of our own ego, right? Like how can we kind of scale it down?
Hannah (40:49)
Yeah.
Great. Yeah.
Challaine (41:14)
and use ego to our advantage.
Hannah (41:17)
Yeah,
yeah. And I think I had healthy ego and a goal when my husband was deployed. But it was also a fight or flight response. So it wasn't all natural. It was adrenaline. It was stress. And that I only took ego out of that, which was okay until I needed to rein it in and say, this needs to
be beneficial and not detrimental. It's hurting our marriage that I continue to just lean on it because it is so aggressive. It is so productive. But then I recognize the productivity was actually creating problems elsewhere because I was so hyper fixated with my ego and other areas that I wasn't actually fulfilling all of my duties. So when I started to break down and organize things out, my ego actually got healthier where I recognized, okay,
My time is spent here and I can dedicate all of that time here and move my family forward in a way that is benefiting them. But I also know when to say, okay, ego, it's time to calm down. It's time to say, this isn't the right time to bring it up. And I think learning when to be patient. And today was actually a moment where my ego finally came out because I...
was so meek and mild for so long that I was like, nope, it's time to show them who I really am because it needed to happen. I needed to get resolution and something for a contract that I have with a company and the service is not being fulfilled. So I thought it's time, like she's in there, but it has to be honed in in a way that it doesn't impact my family negatively as well because ego is good.
Challaine (42:54)
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Hannah (43:04)
to get what you want to take your family in the direction you want to go, but you also have to know it's not just about you. Otherwise you wouldn't be creating a family and growing a family. You have to have that understanding of ego is okay and your children can have an ego and that's okay. You want them to have an ego to some point to where they're not being walked all over, but how do we have it in a beneficial way to where it's not?
Challaine (43:16)
Absolutely.
Hannah (43:33)
clashing and it's not creating a volatile environment.
Challaine (43:37)
What would your definition of ego be? I heard years ago by Dr. Wayne Dyer. I don't know if you're familiar with him or his work. And he has been an instrumental mentor to me in my life for a couple decades. And he says, whatever religion you follow, whatever your belief is, ego is edging God out. And when I heard that, I absolutely like it.
Hannah (43:41)
Yeah.
You
Mm.
Challaine (44:07)
dinged for me and like taking you're like taking the universe and just kind of saying screw off and not listening to your intuition and really trying to be above nature and the universe we're never going to be above nature in the universe it's just not going to happen so when your ego can get so big and like edging like
Hannah (44:09)
Yeah.
yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Challaine (44:34)
God or source, let's use source, edging source out. That was a powerful mind shift for me. Yeah.
Hannah (44:35)
Yeah.
So I believe that nature is unforgiving and if we don't have control of our ego, nature will be unforgiving to us. So that is 100 % my same belief system is we cannot compete against nature because it will always swallow us whole.
Challaine (45:04)
So true. What is the next, I'm curious to know, what is the next like goal or journey? Like you've got this new house purchase coming up. What is, you do.
Hannah (45:14)
Yeah. we already own it. we're not that's. Yeah, yeah. We just haven't moved
there. It's a couple hours away. So there's some other legalities we have to go through with my children, my oldest specifically and making sure that the dynamic works with our routine with her dad and respecting that because he is president. So I am grateful for that. But the next step is really since we own a farm, I don't know if you can hear the rooster at my window.
Challaine (45:41)
I don't know
if you can hear my dog. I've got a hundred pound pit bull here and he snores like a grandpa. however.
Hannah (45:43)
No, I could. So
we're just getting through most of this year that the other house is down the studs. So it does need some work, but it should be done by the end of the year and livable. And I think the next step is debt freedom, complete debt freedom, which is so unheard of in society now because you look at interest rates and just how life is going and
the privilege and I say privilege while it is a blessing it is a privilege to have this opportunity. We are going to kind of respect it and treat it like an infant. We're not going to try and rush it either because we know it's there. So it's just a journey.
Challaine (46:30)
It
totally is. It is a journey. like we spoke earlier about where are we going to be when we're 85, right? When the littles are gone, we get so wrapped up in the, like I said, in the here and now, which is so important to be present in this moment. But to realize that who I am is not what I do. And if you struggle with figuring out who you are,
Hannah (46:37)
Yeah. Yeah.
Challaine (47:00)
tap back into like the little you. Right? Like for me, I was phenomenal in English. I sucked at math. Right? So, and I'm realizing like as I get older, like I'm tapping into the English and the projects and the creativity with my courses and my book and writing. And so like if you're struggling to figure out for those who are listening, tap into the little you. She's still in there.
Hannah (47:04)
Yeah.
Same. Same.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Challaine (47:30)
Right?
Like what did you love? What did you want to be when you grew up? What were your passions? We can't let that go because we've got a job. Right? And I'm not saying quit your job and go become an artist, but start like drawing again. Or if like if you wanted to be a vet, like start volunteering at the the animal hospital or whatever. Right. So.
Hannah (47:40)
Exactly.
you
Yeah.
Challaine (47:59)
my daughter's interrupting this podcast. I love her. the best day ever. We show up as you are, right? And yeah, chase your dreams. Yeah, I love that. How can people get a hold of you, Miss Hannah?
Hannah (48:06)
Yeah. Reignite your passion.
I have a link tree that will be in the show notes. So there are many ways you can connect with me. I have Instagram, Facebook, though I'm more on Facebook than I am anywhere else. I've just built a community where I'm that old person, right? That's like, you're still on Facebook. Yes, absolutely. Because you Yeah, you will see me there. I am trying to tap into threads, but it is a very weird algorithm on there. And I'm like, you know what, everyone's just here to celebrate. So I love that for them. And
Challaine (48:32)
percent on Facebook like
it is.
Hannah (48:43)
Yay.
Challaine (48:44)
And you know what, I was actually listening to someone this morning,
I can't remember who it was, but she was like talking about the socials and like there's Snapchat and TikTok and Instagram and threads and LinkedIn and like I'm one person, you know what I mean? So it's like mass, and this is what we were talking about earlier, master one thing and then you can get onto other ones or delegate it out.
Hannah (49:01)
Yeah.
this.
Challaine (49:13)
get a social media manager who loves it. I don't love it. I really don't love it. Right. So my assistant's great. She can cross post for me, but to really have like a social media manager to just go out there and do what they do best. And it takes a village. takes a community to raise your own kids. It just you need, you need that support. So what did you say earlier? I'm to try to find it here. You
Hannah (49:15)
Yes. Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's what they're there for.
Absolutely.
Challaine (49:43)
Said do delay delegate and then delete delete. I love that Hannah. Do you have any? That's a powerful one there. So this may be it but do you have anything or any other words of wisdom? Quotes or just something that you've made up that you can share with her listeners when it comes to being a mommy and doing it all and Just trying to be the best version of ourselves that we can
Hannah (49:46)
Delete.
One thing my five-year-old always tells me when I ask her to do something, it is, I'm doing my best. And if my five-year-old can recognize she's just doing the best she can with what she has and how old she is, you are doing your best. We need to be gentle with ourselves, just like my five-year-old is with herself. Yeah, that's it.
Challaine (50:28)
That just gave me goosebumps. Mommy, I'm doing my best. I'm
doing my best. I absolutely love that. And I heard this, I think it was Mel Robbins. I love Mel Robbins. And she's just amazing. This is like my first time being Shalane on this earth raising four children. Like this is literally my first time. I've never done this before. I've never had a 13 year old daughter.
Hannah (50:39)
Yeah, she's wonderful.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Challaine (50:56)
who's just walking out the door in the middle of a podcast going to her boyfriend's house with her friend. Like, you know what I mean? Like, I've never experienced these things before. So to like, just be kind to yourself. Be kind and hire out and delete. I love that. Anna, thank you so much for being on the show today. And as always, I hope you have the best day ever. Like, follow, share, do all the things. Get us on all the socials. And well, until next time.
Hannah (51:13)
It's totally.
Thank you.
Challaine (51:27)
eggs.