Challaine (00:32)
Zero and welcome everyone to today's episode of Let's Have a Chat. I'm still a little congested as we know, I've been getting over the plague over here, but today I've got Jared Capello with me and he's a fulfillment strategist and I'm curious to know as I'm sure you are, what in the hell is a fulfillment strategist? Jared's motto is live the love you are, which is absolutely brilliant and so many people struggle with.
even knowing who they are, let alone loving who they are. Thank you, Jared, for being on the show and taking the time. We had a little hiccup this morning, but like I always say, you show up as you are and here we are, here we are. Cool, thank you. Thank you.
Jared Capello (01:05)
Yeah, absolutely. We made it. That's right. That's right.
Yeah, thanks for having me. I really appreciate it.
Challaine (01:16)
Absolutely. How did you, I'm just gonna dive right in, how did you come up with this, live the love you are and have you always loved yourself?
Jared Capello (01:20)
Let's do it.
I have not always loved myself, to answer backwards, but I came up with this through just feeling into, probably 10 years into my coaching practice, what is it that I'm actually doing? What am I actually offering people? And there was this tagline that I was kind of playing with that had this idea of love and us, like who we really are and seeing ourselves that way. So at first it was, I think it was live the love you were created from. And then I said, okay.
Challaine (01:52)
Good.
Jared Capello (01:54)
and I ran with that for a few months and then I was like, no, this is it, live the love you are. So it just kind of came to me in a quiet time while I was meditating and I was like, oh, this is it, this is the core, this is at the core of every human. Yeah, absolutely.
Challaine (02:07)
Can I stop you for a sec?
You said that you were in a quiet moment and you were in a take and this came to you. That's like, that's kind of eye opening, I think, because we hear about embracing stillness and quiet and silence and it's a struggle. It's a struggle for many, many people. So I don't know, I've got so many questions here.
Jared Capello (02:13)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yes.
yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Challaine (02:36)
When it comes to meditation and that practice, how did you get yourself to a place where you were, I guess, open enough to receive that message? That's so cool. And now you live by this.
Jared Capello (02:45)
Yeah.
Yes, I'd say it was something that I didn't realize I had been doing and creating stillness for myself, but it was one of the things that I was consistent at without even realizing I was being consistent in doing it. So for me, what became a non-negotiable, especially as my wife and I started procreating, was that we had our quiet time, right? So we took our time in the morning, so we would rotate shifts. And so I remember, you know,
there was just this sweet time for a few months where I would just go in and meditate in our office at our old house and I would sit there and it was like downloads almost immediately and things that I'd be hearing and hearing for clients hearing that I should share and then getting this tagline. And so I was like, this is it. This is, this is that moment. But it was really, it's interesting because I think it's no different than anything else that somebody stays consistent on and staying consistent in that.
But for me, it comes from a relational space of like, didn't, because when I was coaching and when I coach, it was from such a deep place of integrity, I didn't wanna just get to surface level stuff with people. I wanted to go deeper, like I needed to go deeper, but in order for me to do that, I know that I had to be in my depth. And so every morning, that's what my routine looks like, is to take that time and create space for myself to connect to this deeper.
part of me but to the deepest part of who I know we all are. But then when I create space for that, when I go into a call with someone from that space, then they're able to access deeper parts of themselves than they're accustomed to.
Challaine (04:21)
love how you said taking shifts with your wife. Now are you literally talking about like hey Monday Jared I'm Jared I'm my meditation Tuesday wifey you're doing your thing and is that is that what you mean like getting the kids ready in the morning like someone's on kid duty in the morning like shift my shift.
Jared Capello (04:24)
Mmm, yes.
You
Yep.
Yep. But it wasn't, it wasn't so calculated that it was like you have six to seven and then I have seven to eight or something. But it was definitely like an acknowledgement in the morning. Still is this way. We have three, three girls now and it's still this like, do you want to meditate first or do you want me to? Right. So it's still this like this knowing unless one of us is intentionally waking up even earlier for some reason. ⁓ but yeah, it was just like,
I'm going to take my time and then as soon as I'm done, I'll finish the breakfast routine. So we homeschool too. So it's a very intentional time, but we know that for ourselves. Like we have to have this time first thing in the morning to be able to, you know, for us connect to God and go to this deeper place of knowing of ourselves that allows us to be the channels, if you will, for those that we're going to be interacting with today.
Challaine (05:13)
Okay.
talk about you just mentioned God. Now that can be an angry term for many, can be umbrella term for many. Who is God to you? How does God show up in your life? And the reason why I ask this is because you were raised, going off your notes here, you were raised in a religious cult. So I'm willing to assume
Jared Capello (05:37)
Mm-hmm.
Totally.
Mm-hmm.
Come on.
Mm-hmm.
Challaine (06:01)
that your relationship with God has transformed and transcended over the years. Can you take me back and take our listeners back to what a religious cult looked like for you?
Jared Capello (06:07)
Definitely. Definitely.
Yeah, so the short of it, for the first 21
years of my life, was born and raised in this cult environment where day school, church, everything, Bible college. So I did all of it until I was 20 years ago. About 20 years ago is when I left and decided to go out on my own way. But what it was, it was just a very, very controlled environment and things were a lot different.
know, things going on behind the scenes and we didn't really have a lot of interaction with the, you know, even other people that were in the Christian faith, let's say. And so growing up in this, sort of had this created this elitist sort of mindset without even realizing it. So I, but when I did realize that I was 21. And so when I came out of it, I was like, ⁓ like my eyes were yes, still young. Yeah.
Challaine (07:08)
Still young, 21. That's, yeah.
Jared Capello (07:11)
So there was a, to get back to your original question, there was a time where I was, you know, after that, I was like, God, I don't know who the hell you are, if you are, you know, to some extent, but there was also like this deeper trust. Some of the stuff that I'm most grateful for is all the traveling that I did there. So I lived overseas and traveled to South America and Europe numerous times. So there was a lot of...
worldview perspective that I was able to get and it wasn't with other like groups from the church. It was for the most part it was by myself to visit like other church plants over there. But it was like my own experience doing life with God outside of the fear aspect of it all. And so for me when I when I came when I stepped away and I remember it was probably a year and a half that I was out. That's when I started just meeting other people and
you know, really like making new connections. And I sort of saw, you know, at that time, you know, faith was bigger than what I had confined it to as far as the people in the faith. So that was like the step out. then getting to a space of like a few years after that, I heard something and it just really, it was the light bulb moment for me. was like the, there's this spirit behind fear that's always trying to control and manipulate people.
They said the opposite spirit of that is love and love is always empowering of people. And that was like this light bulb moment because everything I was born and raised in was that fear control. And what I had since come into and just meeting people, regular people, was this love and empowerment and people that truly loved me and saw me for who I was before I could even figure that out for myself. So we're always evolving in that, and I think that's why that love message
you know, stuck so well with me then because they created space for me to be able to love myself. That's when I started to be able to, you know, start operating in that more for myself. And then, just sharing, then I just felt like I was on all the time and just sort of sharing that message with other people. And judgment, all these preconceived notions that I had had growing up and what I had been a part of, it was like they all just went away. It's like that was all just forgiven and gone. And then it was like, now I get to move forward and just have a blast loving people.
And even if they're not loving themselves, that doesn't need to stop me from loving them. Right? And so what really happened is like, I started becoming like, unoffendable, if you will, because I was, yeah, I was like, well, you're just, people forget that they're loved all the time. And that's not for me to just get upset because, you know, they forgot, I forget, you know, it's no big deal, you know? And I just found that the more that I could stay in that space, I was able to, you know, help people in a more powerful way that I wasn't even aware of.
Challaine (09:45)
Yep.
How did you get to the consolidation of the idea that I am leaving this industry, organization, religion, whatever you want to call it or label it. I had a chat with another gal on the show and it seems to, I don't really talk about religion a lot on here, but it seems to be coming up that,
Jared Capello (10:15)
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Challaine (10:33)
like religious cult, like you said, right? And just these like nasty religious upbringings. I went to church, I went to two churches every single Sunday. My best friend's father was the minister. So we went to the nine o'clock service and then the 11 o'clock service. And her and I are completely removed from religion now from that standpoint, right? Not from spirit or God. We've like...
Jared Capello (10:35)
Yeah. Yeah.
Mm.
Yeah. Yep.
Challaine (11:01)
We've just kind of shifted a little bit, right? I'm curious to know, how did you get to that decision of like, I'm done with this?
Jared Capello (11:04)
Yep, totally.
Yeah, thankfully there were just some circumstances that the church was going through at the time. they were, the church split basically again, like 20 years ago, almost to the month. They went through a split. happened to be living in Kazakhstan at the time and did doing, yes, Kazakhstan. Yep.
Challaine (11:26)
Sorry, Kazakhstan? Okay, okay, I wanna hear about that. That's kinda cool. I just living in Kazakhstan, you know, like
I've never heard that, but okay.
Jared Capello (11:38)
So I was living over there
and going to like a sister school. And so I had kind of seen some stuff. So the head pastor, what happened, the head pastor of the church was getting sick. And so there was this power struggle for who was gonna take over after. And the regime that it ended up going to, kind of saw, I'm just very blessed to like, to be able to have seen what I saw, but I just kind of saw some like behind the scenes like,
hey, we're on the same team, like weird kind of interactions between the new regime that ended up taking over, sort of building these weird alliances. And it was like, huh, that's sort of strange. So it just kind of put it on my radar, you know? So I was like, oh, that's weird. So then when it split, it ended up going that way. And I remember my parents weren't sticking around and they like tried to tell me when I got back.
Challaine (12:18)
Yeah.
Jared Capello (12:32)
From overseas. They're like, listen Bopa and I was like, yeah, that's fine. But I'm gonna make my own decision about this and I'm really glad I did because I was you know, just 21 and I came back and I was like I just what I have to see for myself I have to feel into this for myself. So I went once and I was like, yep. I'm done like this, isn't it? And Yeah
Challaine (12:54)
And you know, this is like
life happening for you, not to you. Right? That's cool.
Jared Capello (12:58)
Totally,
100%. 100%. I'm so grateful that I saw what I did beforehand and then obviously chose to do what I did.
Challaine (13:08)
Absolutely. We kind of derailed a little bit, which is totally fine because that's what this conversation Who was God for you then versus who is God for you now?
Jared Capello (13:11)
Mm-hmm sure
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, God for me then was like a judgmental sort of like finicky character, right? But like in control of everything and I...
Challaine (13:31)
Have you
seen the video going around and it talks about God loves you and God is there for you and he supports you and you have to follow his 10 rules and then you have to pay him money. I just thought yeah, so yeah.
Jared Capello (13:44)
That's hilarious.
Yeah, it was similar to that. You have to follow these rules. But the only difference was that I had had enough of my own faith and my own knowing through a lot of these travels where I was able to form somewhat of a relationship. Yes, my own personal faith, my own personal relationship. Yes.
Challaine (14:07)
your own personal faith, not the faith that you were taught.
Jared Capello (14:14)
within the faith, right? Like within that Christian narrative, I was still able to find God beyond that, you know what I mean? Which I think is so gracious, so incredibly gracious.
Challaine (14:27)
that just gave me goosebumps. And I was talking with someone the other day.
about what goosebumps actually mean. To me anyways, I don't even know where I heard this, but when you're having a conversation with someone, I've talked about it on the show, and you get goosebumps, it means that your souls are connecting, and your souls are communicating, and it's like a visceral feeling of a soul connection. So I like to share that and share when I get goosebumps with someone, because it means I'm feeling you, I'm hearing you, and
Jared Capello (14:45)
Mmm.
Mm.
I love that.
Challaine (15:00)
and feeling your presence. So thanks for this bumps. Yeah. Yeah. So God for you today, how does he show up for you? How can we bring God not from a religious standpoint into our lives?
Jared Capello (15:02)
Yeah, absolutely. Thanks for sharing that. We learned something very new today.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I think so to answer the first question, God for me today is love. That's it. Like it's that simple. It's not more than that. So whether I, you know, I have an encounter and I hear a bird or something that's like singing some melodious sound and I notice it, right? Like that to me is a moment where I'm connecting with God or, you know, if I'm having a conversation with someone, you know, that to me is if it's one of like this, right? It's just like this powerful thing where it's this powerful relational connection that to me is God.
Right? That's that to me is it. And so it can look like anything. It can still look like, you know, different signs or different like, I call them almost like love notes, right? Like if I see my favorite number like five times in 10 minutes, you know, I'm like, my gosh, like this is it. Like it happened today.
Challaine (16:08)
just was my god right
Jared Capello (16:10)
Yeah, right, right.
Yeah. Yep. And that happened today. You know, I was out and I just, I literally did. I just saw this my, like my favorite number everywhere and it hit me like in such a powerful way. I was like breaking and you know, it comes from listening to music for me lots of times because I just hear it. You know, I'm just, I'm just tuned in and listening in for it. And so I think to the second part of your question, like how can people sort of...
Challaine (16:35)
Keep in track. Keep
in track of the questions. I'm like, I don't need to do much more. I'm just like, I'm into this.
Jared Capello (16:43)
For the how do people you know sort of tune into it I think that there has to be like an awareness that love exists beyond ourselves and Even if it's that simple like because I know the God word is It's it's almost yeah, and it's abusive and it's yeah, it can be very loaded for so many people. So it's like It's knowing that love exists beyond yourself, you know
and that there's something there that really does want to look out for you, really, and like does have your back. And I think when we acknowledge that, we're like, I want to acknowledge this. And with that acknowledgement, then you can start to see it, you know? And I really do think that. I think that we can put that love to the test. I think that we can put God to the test in that way, where I think a lot of religion is afraid to do that, right? Like they're afraid to, well, like I prayed that God would do the thing, but really it's gonna be God's will, whatever it is.
Well, maybe not, you know? Maybe if God is love and he's available for anyone at any moment, at any time, like it can just be as simple as, know, show me, like give me a sign, give me something here. I wanna, I do want to believe in you, right? Like even that sort of idea, you know? And it sort of opens the door and creates an avenue for you to receive maybe these like little extra blessings, you know? I didn't know where you do hear your favorite song for the first time and.
just randomly or something like that and then these little moments present themselves to you where you're like, that was insane. And you just start to feel into that more and more.
Challaine (18:12)
Yeah.
You said to be open, you have to be open in order to receive. You can't receive anything from the front step if your post person is there. You don't open the door.
Jared Capello (18:23)
Yes.
Yeah,
right. It's so true and I've seen that too many times when people sit back and they're like, yeah, but where was God when the thing? And I'm like, well, didn't you just tell me you don't believe in God? You know what I mean? So it's like, it's not like this two way street. Like if you want to know it and see it, it's great and it's beautiful and it's for you and it's love. And it probably isn't what like the idea that you were handed of what God is through any sort of religious paradigm.
Challaine (18:52)
That is so important. It is probably not the idea that you were handed, right? And that can be tremendous, an idea for tremendous growth and transformation because as we're growing up, we are literally handed and fed in for me that we don't have a choice for the most part to take in. And that becomes a part of us. I mean, look at you now, right?
Jared Capello (18:58)
Yes. Yes.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah
Mm-hmm.
Challaine (19:20)
That was a part of you and it's still a part of you because it's your story. And it got you to where you are today. So that's, wow, that's, yeah, you got, wow. I'm blown away here. How do we...
Jared Capello (19:24)
Mm-hmm. Yep. Yep.
Mm.
Challaine (19:38)
How do we feel worthy?
Jared Capello (19:42)
man, what a great question. Yeah, yeah.
Challaine (19:44)
Right? Lots of people come into our
space and they're just like, I'm not good enough. I'm not worthy. I don't deserve this. How do we like, do we have to feel worthy first to in order to love ourselves? Like how, how can we get through this?
Jared Capello (19:53)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
I think it's another opening thing. I think we have to be open to receive a new idea that we haven't before about it. So if none of the people that quote unquote loved us, right, up, showed us our worth or ever showed us that we were worthy, if the God that we were handed didn't ever show us or tell us that we were loved, or valued, or worthy, it's again, like, can I be open to that?
And I think it doesn't have to start around even like the worthy question because I think for some people that's too hard to get to to like make a jump to, but it can just be like, can I be open to a different idea about my value? Right. And just kind of start there. And then with that, when you create that opening, and this is what I did for myself, but it was just like, I created this opening for myself to have a different idea about something that I was taught about.
And so even from a value perspective, it was like, can I open myself up to a different idea about my value? Right? So I did. And I started doing that until, and when I did, it was like the door could open up more and more and more and more more until I get to it. Yes, exactly. So when they're waiting on my doorstep, I can open it and get my package. And it's, it's a very similar way. And, and whatever that looks like for people, whether it's, um, you know, somebody showing up in your life out of the blue.
Challaine (21:07)
You could get packages when Amazon.
Jared Capello (21:22)
you know, or a group of people showing up in your life out of the blue and just sort of loving on you in a different way that is opening you up to that. You know, to be able to be like, wow, they see me differently, not in a weird way. And I'm not saying like join some weird group of people. I'm just saying if you find yourself like, wow, I created, you know, this friend group from, you know, my gym or something, you know, and you're just connecting in that way. And it's just sort of opening you up to it. But I still think it has to be like a personal decision.
that the person makes because then if you're just getting it from other people then you're just kind of running around like hoping that they give you your worth.
Challaine (21:58)
the beginning and it's being forced upon you.
Jared Capello (22:00)
Exactly. it
does have to, that's why I think it does have to start with that inward, like, new thought about this for myself.
Challaine (22:08)
And you talked about, my question is, did you do it alone? But going back to you traveling and what you were just talking about right now, you don't do it alone.
Jared Capello (22:19)
Yeah, no, and I have a tendency to be more like a lone wolf sort of character, right? So during those travels, there's a reason why I was going by myself overseas on these trips. Part of it was I didn't want to bring culture with me to where I was going. I wanted to experience the culture and be able to dive in, right?
Challaine (22:25)
Yep, feel that.
Cough
That's really powerful. I didn't want to bring culture with me. And you can be more open to receiving stuff that's around you.
Jared Capello (22:43)
Yeah.
Yeah.
Absolutely, if I'm gonna fly halfway across the world to live in Kazakhstan, I want to experience Kazakhstan. I don't want to experience America in Kazakhstan because I went with a group of Americans. You know, like I want to go all in and like see what they're about and meet people and know about them. Like I had this burning desire, like I was studying cultural anthropology too at the time. I wanted to really know like what makes people tick everywhere, you know? And yeah.
Challaine (23:21)
That's, we need, I always say it, people need people. And especially like in my circle, sober people need sober people, right? And I think, like even myself included, you were speaking and I raised my hand that we think we need to like be the doer of all. That's not our job.
Jared Capello (23:26)
Yes.
Yeah.
Nope.
Challaine (23:46)
You know, like we don't have to do it all. We can ask for help. We can reach out. But I think like the key point that we keep coming back to is remain open. Right? Yeah.
Jared Capello (23:55)
Yeah, exactly, exactly.
And so with people, that's something I needed to see because all I had known, really the only relationships and friendships I had were confined to this cult that I grew up in for 21 years. So when I stepped out of that, I was like, where am I and where do I go from here?
I was open to meeting other people and that's what happened. I met someone and then they knew someone else and then I realized that they were all like, this person was connected to this person, they were going there. then, so I was open to more. And I also said when I left, like, God, I never want to do that again. Like, I'm not just going to find myself surrounded by people that all think the same way about anything. And because of that, I think I was able to meet people that were incredibly different. Like just, they just were.
and they were living outside the norm and the paradigm and they were real, like true, honest, the most generous people I've ever met. Yes, yes, yep, some of the most generous, honestly, people I've met to this day and I needed that and it was real and they were authentic and I was like, maybe I can be real and authentic, you know, but it was through this. Yeah, exactly, exactly.
Challaine (24:48)
And they were okay and they were decent and kind people.
Here you are being real and authentic.
Talking about relationships, how do we navigate kind of a transition of pre-information download? I know in a relationship I'm discovering myself and my partner is like, who the hell are you? What are you doing?
Jared Capello (25:08)
Mmm.
Challaine (25:30)
Where's my partner? Where's my person? I don't even recognize you anymore, right? And yeah, can you offer any insight on that? Or like how it is, what happened in your life?
Jared Capello (25:31)
This is so good.
Yeah, man, this is huge.
⁓ yeah, absolutely. first,
yeah, absolutely. I tell people and I joke about this. like, I'm in, you know, I'm in my third marriage, but it just happens to be with the same person. ⁓ man. And that's because before Chelsea is my wife, before we got married,
Challaine (25:53)
There's those goosebumps again. I'm telling you, this is fire. This is good. This is...
Jared Capello (26:05)
Not everything lined up like our chemistry on paper like it wasn't like the most dynamic like fiery like passionate whatever But we both knew that we were people that wanted to grow right, so that was like that was important to both of us and Because of that like we are able to give the other person the space to do that You know regardless of what it is because that is unconditional love because conditional love is all about I need you to be a certain way So that I can be okay
And when you start to grow beyond that, now it's not. The problem with that is that it's changing and it's scaring me. So now I'm going to respond out of fear and try to control you. And if I can't control you, I'm going to freak out and blame you for all the stuff that's wrong here because you're becoming too different. And this isn't what I signed up for.
Challaine (26:52)
love that you said to be able to give the space. You may not be in a position to ask for the space, right? So if someone is a little more maybe evolved or has grown a little bit more to have that intellect and that knowing of, I'm gonna give this to you. You don't know you need it yet.
Jared Capello (27:05)
Absolutely.
Yeah. Yep.
Challaine (27:18)
But I'm gonna give this to you. And
I think that's really powerful and how you mentioned in your marriage giving each other the space in the morning with the kids. I got four kids, I've got four kids. I know what mornings are like. And so I'm thinking, I'm like, okay, well, I'm the one who's always up with the kids first. No fault of his, it's all good. I used to get up, I could nudge him, but.
Jared Capello (27:29)
Absolutely. You get it. You get it.
Sure.
Challaine (27:43)
That's interesting. And maybe like we could even get up earlier together and practice meditation and stillness. We were on a call with the coach last night and there's no stillness in our relationship because of the podcast and the coaching and just all the things, right? And being a mom and cooking dinner and doing the laundry, like it's, I fly out of bed and it's go, go, go.
Jared Capello (27:49)
Mm-hmm.
Yeah,
yeah.
Challaine (28:12)
So,
I mean, I think that's maybe a practical tip, like to wake up earlier, even if it's five, 10 minutes.
Jared Capello (28:19)
Absolutely, yeah. And yeah, and it could just be five or 10 minutes. Like if you start there, I would say 10. Like if you start with giving yourself 10 minutes first for yourself, that sets you up for value too. Back to that worth question. Like you start to build worth for yourself because you're saying, I'm worth this first chunk of my day because this is the first part of the day and I'm giving it to myself. I'm not giving it to my kids and I'm not giving it to like my spouse. And just a funny story with this, my...
my five-year-old daughter yesterday or the day before asked me like, dad, do you like yourself more or your three girls more? And so they're eight, five and three. I said, well, sweetie, I love myself more, but that's only so that I can make sure that I'm loving you the way that you deserve to be loved. Right? Because I know like I have to, yeah.
Challaine (28:58)
What was your answer?
you don't have a dollar, can't give a dollar. If you don't have one,
you can't give love.
Jared Capello (29:13)
Exactly. And don't get me wrong, I would do anything for my children. But I know when I'm telling them that too, it also helps them instill their own sense of value. I am worth it too. If dad takes that space for himself, I'm modeling that for them. I'm modeling loving myself well so that they then can do the same.
Challaine (29:31)
Which is really important because when you're in a relationship and one person, can happen, it's happened in my relationship, one person can start to outgrow another person, Through self-development or taking courses or whatever. And then there like becomes this imbalance and the person up here is like, come on, come with me, let's go. And this person is like.
Jared Capello (29:41)
Mm-hmm. Yes, absolutely.
Yes.
Challaine (29:57)
What the hell is happening? Who are you? And you're like, this is my third marriage. Here's like, I'm the third husband now. Right? So I think like from that approach, modeling the behavior like you are doing with your children, we can model our behavior in our relationship.
Jared Capello (30:01)
Yeah.
Mm-hmm. Oh, 100 % and have to like I can't I can't start growing and then tell Chelsea like Like you need to keep up, you know or some or like I'm I'm growing and you've grown so you need to you need to hold the same space for me as I'm growing That I felt it like that's just not gonna work. No
Challaine (30:29)
Absolutely. And that will never happen. Absolutely.
like the same like with alcohol. Hey, I've quit drinking. You have to quit drinking. It's not gonna happen, right? It's not gonna happen. But once you start modeling the behavior, like I quit and my husband just quit and we've both been sober together for the same amount of days. Like I'm so grateful that that actually did happen. Like it doesn't always happen. That was, that's a rarity, but
Jared Capello (30:40)
Yeah, right.
Yeah, love it.
Challaine (30:59)
Yeah, just modeling that behavior. If you start going to the gym, your spouse is not going to be like still sitting on the couch six months later as you're getting a sit back. Right?
Jared Capello (31:08)
Right, right,
exactly.
Challaine (31:11)
I want to talk about your message a little bit more. Live the love you are. And we talked about being worthy. How else can we love who we are?
Jared Capello (31:14)
Yeah, sure.
It's by not, the best way I can say it is by not judging ourselves all the time. And you have to start there. Yeah, yeah, to say it's, it's very easy. But there's this principle that when I heard it, I was like blown away because I had been taught so much about, you know, Jesus and different teachings in the Bible. I heard somebody say this and they said, Jesus called us to judge like he judges.
Challaine (31:36)
That's pretty easy. Like to say that, that's pretty easy.
Jared Capello (31:59)
and then later goes on to say that he doesn't judge anyone. So we have what I've noticed, especially with coaching people for almost 15 years now, there's so much, there's so many people just constantly with these little judgments toward themselves. And I can say especially if they've grown up in religion. But without knowing it, they're just kind of hitting themselves all the time with these judgments.
Challaine (32:09)
Take the full strip of that. Yeah.
Jared Capello (32:27)
So like one of the best, fastest ways to start loving yourself more is to like start to notice when those are happening. And that can be as simple as like, what is my, yes. And that can be as simple as like, let me like, well, like my demeanor changed, right? Like if somebody's just kind of sunk down, they start to catch themselves, wait, why am I sitting like that? Right? And they might notice, because I was thinking that I'm a deadbeat, you know? And then they're just kind of like, okay.
Challaine (32:36)
Notice when you're judging yourself.
Jared Capello (32:55)
Hey, what if I don't use this information? What if I don't weaponize this information against myself and judge myself for feeling like for having that thought that I'm a deadbeat? First, why don't I do that first? which is also extending grace to yourself in that moment so that you're not beating yourself up. And then you can sort of go like, okay, what's the truth? Right? And when you ask yourself that question, right? Now you're allowing a better answer.
and you're interrupting a pattern that was keeping you stuck for a long time as like a way of being.
Challaine (33:28)
Interrupting a pattern we have if you don't change you will not change Excuse me and we are so conditioned to just Staying comfortable even if uncomfortable But when we can get a new sense of being uncomfortable, that's where the growth happens. That's where the change happens That's where the connection and the spirituality can happen You said
Jared Capello (33:33)
Yes.
Yes. Right.
Mm-hmm.
Challaine (33:58)
not to weaponize yourself. And that's like, that just like is, I see a gun just like you're shooting yourself. You're out there with yourself. We need to be in this state.
Jared Capello (34:00)
Mmm.
Yeah, right.
No, and again, it's one of those things where I found like so common, like in my own upbringing, it's like you were bad, right? Or you're good. And it's like these two false dichotomies that are set up for the individual. So it's like, then data comes up on why you're falling short and you're instantly using that data against yourself. So you're weaponizing the data that you're getting against yourself as opposed to just being neutral and objective and being like, this is just a thought that came in.
Challaine (34:36)
That's
a really good point and like when it comes to parenting Like if I'm talking to my kids like my youngest son, he's too and if I'm like London don't do that. You're bad, right? He's not bad What he was doing is probably not so great, right? He's stopping yourself in that moment and recognizing What are we teaching your children? Because you just say it stop doing that. You're being bad, right?
Jared Capello (34:50)
Right.
Yeah, yeah.
Mmm.
Yeah,
yeah, right.
Challaine (35:05)
I
don't do that anymore. stopped myself a long time ago. I'm on KidNumber4. I got it there. But that's just an example of really stopping yourself in your tracks and taking inventory. Like we need to check in and take inventory every once in a while.
Jared Capello (35:07)
Sure.
Yeah, yes, totally,
absolutely, absolutely. Because if you don't, then you get caught in the mood and then the mood turns into a behavior pattern, the behavior pattern turns into a character trait now and that turns into your personality, right? And before you know it, you're just kind of like, I'm grumpy 50 % of the time.
Challaine (35:34)
Can you say that again? That
was so powerful. Might be this. Okay, so if you don't take inventory, you turn into a mood.
Jared Capello (35:44)
Yes, and your mood can turn into a behavior pattern. Your behavior pattern can turn into a personality trait which can turn into your character. Right? And now that's just like a part of who you are for, you know, 50 % of your day. Right? And now that's like half your life that you're just kind of like, I'm this way, you know? And if we're not consciously doing the work to reprogram that, then we're just going to keep operating on autopilot. I think the science behind that is like by the time you hit 35,
90 % of everything you do is like autopilot. So unless I'm gonna interrupt that, then I, you know, I really need to. And I think that interrupting this one of judgment towards yourself and bringing in love instead of, you know, seeing yourself for how you used to see yourself in this one way, it's that tweak. And now you're creating actually a loving space for yourself. So now you can actually tap into a different.
aspect of who you are and then you can start to do the same thing that I was just saying in that order for loving yourself and then that's obviously going to have some wonderful effects.
Challaine (36:50)
I gotta ask, we're not perfect. I don't think I'm sure you don't claim to be. What is, where are you? And you don't have to answer this, but where are you at personally where you feel like you may still be struggling that you have where you want to grow because like from an outsider's point of view in this conversation, like Jared's a man. He's fucking nailed life, right? But like where
Jared Capello (36:53)
Sure.
Sure.
Challaine (37:17)
Where are you going next with your mindset and your future?
Jared Capello (37:21)
Yeah, you know what's interesting? If I get quiet or quiet enough to hear, I will still see a scared little boy that was raised in a cult that is still afraid of doing things the wrong way. so the fact that that still comes up, right? And I'm able to address that and do what I need to to push beyond it. But I don't even like saying it that way. I'm able to do what I need to to love him, that child in the moment.
and then move beyond, right? I sort of, the way I have a visual of that and how I explain it to clients is like, I put him back in the back seat and I step into the driver's seat and I very lovingly do it. I don't berate him or yell at him. just say, hey, we got it, buddy. I'm gonna drive now, you know, just sort of, yeah, exactly.
Challaine (38:04)
just going on the grocery store.
Do you actually talk to your younger child, your younger self?
Jared Capello (38:12)
in, it's usually not out loud, but there are some instances when I will do that. And it's usually during meditation if that comes up, that I will very actively sit with him, hear him and be like, got it, I totally hear you. Because that's all we're looking for, right? Like that's the part of us that's like, we want to be, this part wants to be heard, but what was usually done through religion or parents or whoever, teachers is like, we just stop doing that.
You know, so the last thing I'm gonna do to my inner child is gonna be like, stop doing that, get in the back seat. It's gonna be like, mm-hmm. Yes, yeah, right.
Challaine (38:46)
We're still that person. We're still that person just in a bigger body and more bills. Right?
like little Jared is still there. Right? Like can't just disappear and go away.
Jared Capello (38:55)
Yeah,
absolutely. And so that's what that looks like. That's still what will come up for me sometimes is like, you're not doing this the right way. You're not doing this how it should be done. And then I can notice that if I'm operating that it's like this OCD is coming out where it doesn't need to. You're not doing anything though. You're not getting anything done because you're obsessing over trying to do it perfectly. And so just do it.
Challaine (39:23)
taking that inventory and being open to what comes up, right? Yeah, that's so cool. Where can people connect with you? And I think whoever is listening to this, I have gained so much from this conversation and I'm going to walk out of this room like a renewed spirit and woman. Where can people connect with you? And I hope everybody does from this wee little show that I have.
Jared Capello (39:25)
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Yeah, absolutely. Yep.
Hmm.
Mmm, beautiful.
Instagram is the best place I can say and I'm super responsive on there. Like if you shoot me a message I will just love. Yeah, yeah. So that's like my, that's my space. You can also message me on Facebook Messenger and I'm a real person. I'd love to just connect with everyone, you know, that is ever reaching out looking for support. I'm always like, yeah, this is, let's definitely let's connect.
Challaine (39:55)
Thanks.
We've been back in five.
Do you like to end the show with a saying or a phrase or a quote that you have heard over the years that kind of has stuck with you?
Jared Capello (40:28)
Yeah,
there's one and I don't know if this is the most important but I think it was really important for where I was when I heard it and it was a John Eldridge saying and I was reading it in a coffee shop in Tacoma. I have this photographic memory so I can like remember where I was you know and what I was doing at the time but I was on a trip out last and I was reading his book and he said life is a journey of the heart that requires the mind.
Challaine (40:56)
is a journey of the heart requires knowing.
Jared Capello (40:59)
And I was like, hell yeah, it is. Like it totally is. And that just hit me in such a strong way. It was like, felt seen because doing life the way that I had been doing it, like going on these trips by myself and traveling, even when I was a part of that system, it was still very different. And then that's sort of how I've more so lived my life has looked a little bit like more of a faith journey than the practical steps. know, like one plus two equals three. And I'm like, what if we just jump over to and get to three and then three takes us to 19?
Versus, right? Like it was, yeah. And I really believe that. I'm like, that's been a lot of my life and how I've met people or where the money's come from and times. It's just all like, just being open to it, just sort of unfolding in that way. But to do that, and I've done both, right? But for me, I know that I'm out of alignment when I'm in my head too much and I'm trying to figure stuff out. And I know that when I dropped into my heart and I'm like, well, let me feel into this a little bit, right? Then I can know.
Challaine (41:29)
Why not?
Jared Capello (41:57)
sort of from there, and then I can use my mind. But my heart is the compass, not my mind. Like, what makes sense on paper, right? And I can follow that from my mind's perspective, and it'll be the wrong choice, even if it all looks right and it all looks great, right? And I...
Challaine (42:10)
So if it gets too
crazy up here, we need to pause, fall into our heart, and then the mind can come back. Tell me the thing. Tell me the thing again.
Jared Capello (42:17)
Well, here's the thing, if it gets too calculated, it gets,
not only like if it gets too crazy up here, it's also if it gets too calculated up here, right? Because our mind will try to talk us out of what our heart knows and it'll do it all day long. And people like growing up in society, it typically will nurture more of that sort of thinking than it will, hey, what do you, how do you feel about this? Like, what do you like sort of like drop in a little bit?
Challaine (42:45)
can actually feel.
Yeah.
Jared Capello (42:46)
Yes,
because if we learn how to listen like that, then we can actually do it. I was, I sort of had these like sensitivities, even when I was part of this cult in the first 20, where I could do that. And then when I tried to step out of that, because I was just trying to figure out what was real and what wasn't, I gave myself more space for like the head space sort of way of being. And then I realized like, this doesn't, this doesn't feel right. And that was a long journey because I was like, how much of this is just me healing from being raised in a cult?
Or, but like, and like trying to figure it out, or how much of this is like, this is just how you need to do life, and this is what you do and use the practical steps. So it was almost like I was trying to adapt a different model that didn't work for me, if that makes sense. So was like this, this heart space, so that's when like reading that and stuff, felt seen and I felt valued and I felt known. I was like, oh my gosh, like this is, this is really powerful.
Challaine (43:39)
And I mean, you said it, doesn't feel right. Like that's your intuition, I think. That's God, that's the universe, that is spirit. Connecting with you on a soul level, like your heart, kind of, you need that to like be alive, right? And yeah, if we can be open to that and accept and acknowledge and feel.
Jared Capello (43:50)
Totally.
Yes, exactly. Exactly.
Yeah.
Challaine (44:06)
So many people don't want to fucking feel anymore. You know? And it hurts. It's sticky. But once you can start feeling and talking about what's happening or writing it out, like I wrote my book in 91 days, it clearly had a lot to say. Like that was stuck inside of me, right? And since getting that book out, like I'm a different person.
Jared Capello (44:09)
Yeah, and yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Yes, so crazy. Yes, yes.
Mmm. Mm-hmm.
Challaine (44:33)
I'm a completely different person because
it's 200 pages or 90,000 words that are not stuck inside of me anymore. I felt it and I got it out.
Jared Capello (44:40)
Yes, I love that.
Mmm,
yeah, so good.
Challaine (44:46)
You have a final message or anything to leave our listeners with and me, give me more before we say goodbye.
Jared Capello (44:54)
Well, can I do this first? I'd like to
offer your listeners, we'll just say like the first, I don't know, five people to message me. I'd like to offer half off any coaching package. No shit. Because I can tell, like Shalane, if they're listening to you, I know that they're gaining a lot of value and...
Challaine (45:11)
No shit.
Jared Capello (45:23)
an ability to be more authentic with themselves that they really need. Like I know that your voice is something that is really allowing people to get into a true or deeper space and see themselves and be more real with themselves without being afraid. They can, they're being able to do that because of what you've created here for them to be able to, to be able to do that. So that tells me that your listeners are brave and courageous and I'd love to work with them. So the first
five people to message me.
Challaine (45:54)
There's those damn goosebumps. First
five people who message Jared are gonna get 50 % off coaching. That is absolutely huge. Thank you for that generosity. hope and pray that people take you up on this. I know that it will be transformational. Absolutely. Every coach I've ever worked with, you just come out of it.
Jared Capello (46:03)
Mm. Yeah.
Absolutely.
Challaine (46:22)
just bigger and better and lighter and stronger and just all these things. So I really hope people jump on board with this and can recognize your worth and your value so that you can help them find theirs. Jared, thank you so much for such an inspiring episode today. I feel like we gotta come back. We gotta come back here and catch it again. So.
Jared Capello (46:25)
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, absolutely. ⁓
Absolutely. Well, this was wonderful
and I'd be happy to do this again anytime. Yeah.
Challaine (46:51)
Thank you and thank you so much
for our listeners. Make sure you reach out to, I'm gonna just say it in the episode, make sure you reach out to Jared on his Instagram, just Jared Capello. Easy, easy peasy. We will have everything in the show notes. Thank you, like, share, Twitter, whatever you gotta do. Get this episode out there and reach out to Jared and get your 50 % off of his coaching. It's time, go change your life. I love you and I hope you have the best day ever. And Jared, what is your motto?
Jared Capello (47:01)
That's it. It's easy. Yep.
Live the love you are.
Challaine (47:21)
where the love you are. We love you. We'll chat soon. Thanks.