Challaine (00:32)
And hello everybody and welcome to today's episode of Let's Have a Chat. I have Charity Stilson with me today and we're actually going to talk about addiction, which we do a lot on this show. But something that I've never talked about with anyone is addiction to stress. Now Charity, when you first brought that to my attention, I was like two hands up. Yes, brain well moment. This is me. I had no idea that this was actually a thing.
Charity Stilson (00:55)
you
Challaine (01:01)
But now in hindsight to our conversation, I'm like, holy shit, it's totally a thing. So, Tori, thank you so much for being on the show and lending your expertise and giving our listeners more brain wow moments, like the one that I had. And I'm really looking forward to diving into this conversation today and just like pulling nuggets from you and coming out with some great insights. So thank you. Thank you for sharing your time.
Charity Stilson (01:08)
It is.
You are so welcome.
Challaine (01:33)
And can you tell me, when I talk to people, it's usually because, or we connect based off of their personal experience. So did you get to a point where you were like, I'm addicted to stress? Like, how did this come into your life? This recognition?
Charity Stilson (01:50)
So it actually was,
it is a personal story and it was interesting because I had already worked with clients dealing with their stress and with the work that I do, stress is really at the forefront and what we work on at the very beginning. But, you know, a lot of people don't want to admit their stressed or, and this was a few years ago, so it was a little bit different then, but we actually had been in a car accident and after
years of struggling, finally had a neck surgery and the nurse said to me, this is going to take a while. Like this is a pretty extreme surgery. It's going to take a while for you to recover. And in my mind, I thought, well, I'll be fine. I can just push through. I pushed through everything. I have things to do. had four little kids and like, life was busy. I didn't have time to stop. And so
Challaine (02:45)
I can't recover from surgery. What are you talking about?
Charity Stilson (02:47)
Right, right.
So about a week into it and after I was really kind of more coherent and not in as much pain, I like I literally still had to lay down and I could not read a book. I couldn't watch TV. I couldn't watch a movie and I finally said to my husband, I said, I can't do this. He's like, what do mean you can't do this? And it wasn't the pain and it wasn't the recovery. was the I literally
was driving myself crazy because I was so used to being on the go that I literally could not rest and relax. And I, yes, it's a very real thing. It truly is. And I said, I think I am addicted to stress. And I just said it out of, you know, a joke. And then later on, I looked it up and sure enough, it made sense to me as a practitioner.
Challaine (03:28)
I feel that. I really feel that like when you're saying. β
Charity Stilson (03:47)
when you really think of dopamine and adrenaline and our fight or flight and, and meeting all of those things. But when I looked it up, I, I was really quite shocked. So interestingly though, pre COVID when I would say people, are you stressed? We've got to get your stress in balance. no, I'm not stressed. Now everybody knows they're stressed. Like it is, it is fully out there.
Challaine (03:58)
So.
Charity Stilson (04:14)
And so the concept of being addicted to stress is really kind of an eye-opener to say, oh, wow, like maybe this is more than just I'm busy or wearing my busyness as a badge of honor.
Challaine (04:27)
Why do you think, Charity, that we fail to admit that we're stressed? Like, what is, is there a stigma behind it or is there shame? Like, what do you think's going on there?
Charity Stilson (04:40)
I definitely think it used to be that way. I used to, I think that people, was a shameful thing or it was a weakness, you know, and when you're a driven person, it's like, I'm meeting my goals. I'm doing these things. I'm checking all the boxes and to admit that you're stressed means that you're not handling checking all boxes. And so it really was, in my opinion, and from talking to my clients, I think it was seen as a weakness.
But like I said, it's shifted now. People know they're stressed, but they don't know what to do about it. And it's also just the norm. I mean, you have a conversation with somebody and you ask them, how are you? β good. Life's just busy. Yep. Yep. Yep.
Challaine (05:27)
Yeah, we had that this morning. It's a case of the Mondays, right? Even though
it's Thursday that we're recording this.
Charity Stilson (05:34)
Yeah, it's just that concept of life is busy and it is, but like, is that really how we want to say or define our life by? I'm busy and I'm stressed. No, we don't because it's definitely not what you want. And yet the other thing too, the statistics are out and you know, they say that in the United States, four out of five people
Challaine (05:50)
Absolutely.
Charity Stilson (06:04)
are experiencing burnout at work.
Challaine (06:06)
I believe it. I believe.
Charity Stilson (06:08)
And on
a global perspective, it was even higher than that. I was shocked globally that it was higher than the United States.
Challaine (06:16)
This has become, like you mentioned, like such a norm. What are signs of being overstressed? Because we just get into like this state of homeostasis, I'm this stressed all the time. So like, we kind of just adapt to it, right? Like we were just saying, this is my life right now. So where's the, like, where can we really tap into this is too much stress?
Charity Stilson (06:32)
Right.
Yes. So anyway.
So, you know, there's a couple things and clients say this to me, like, I cannot stop. I can't sit with myself. You know, if you cannot sit and finish a project, you've got to do something else. Or when it is time away from work, you can't really put the phone away. You have to still be checking up on things. If you go to sleep at night or you go to go to sleep and you cannot go to sleep, you're addicted to stress.
You know, there's a lot of things you can't relax and it's, really interesting to me when I watch clients because I can totally tell by their body language where they're at. If they can come in and they can, and this of course would be at the beginning.
Challaine (07:26)
Where am I right now looking at my body? β
Charity Stilson (07:29)
Right.
it's you probably honestly, Shalane, it's like, Hey, I'm trying to be present, but okay, I've got this today, this today, this today. So I've to hurry and get this done so that I can get onto the next thing. And you really aren't able to enjoy the moment. You truly can't be present with where you're at. And that's really when, I mean, the key in a lot of this is the subconscious beliefs that we have, you know, whenever we're doing things out of
a habit, then that's when our subconscious mind kicks in and we really can't focus on what is at hand because we've got all of those belief systems running the show.
Challaine (08:11)
Can you tap into that a little bit, these subconscious beliefs? And can we reprogram these subconscious beliefs so we're not in this state? Like stress is like a fight or fight, right? So can we, do you have some tips or ideas or tools where we can start reprogramming these subconscious beliefs that we don't even know on a conscious level exist?
Charity Stilson (08:14)
Thank
Yes. Yes.
Exactly. Yes. And that is really the key, you know, and when you think about the subconscious mind, people know it's there. They don't really understand the power of it. And Bruce Lipton, he is my favorite about subconscious beliefs, epigenetics. β But he talks about how conscious mind and I think if you only remember this about your subconscious mind and the power it has, like it will start to change the way you see things and the way you become
more aware and it is that the conscious mind which is what we know we're doing like we know we're recording this we're talking you know we know it's Thursday β that is the conscious mind that part of the mind only works at 40 bits per second okay subconscious mind which is under the surface it's the hidden beliefs it works at 40 million bits per second
Challaine (09:30)
No
kidding. Really? That's astronomical.
Charity Stilson (09:32)
It's crazy. So when you really, I mean, it
is it's not even it's not even comparable. And yet we think we know what we're thinking. We think we know what is going on. And one of my favorite quotes is by a man named Robert Williams. And it says the fact is we spend most of our time subconsciously responding to life rather than consciously creating it. And that's because that
Challaine (09:59)
Can you repeat that, for those
in the back? Can you repeat that, please, for those in the back?
Charity Stilson (10:02)
What was that?
Yes, the fact is,
we spend most of our time subconsciously responding to life, rather than consciously creating it. And it really is. and I, and I, when I talk to my clients, and I bring this concept of awareness, like the first thing is we have to become aware. Then we have to. Yes, exactly. That's because we're just running on autopilot.
Challaine (10:15)
That's beautiful.
I'm too busy. I can't. can't be here longer. I'm too busy.
Charity Stilson (10:36)
When you wake up, Shalane, you probably wake up in a stressed state. Yes. So two tips that I write off the bat would... Okay, so two tips. First of all, we have to be aware. And second of all, we have to accept. The third part is we have to take action. If we don't take action, nothing changes. This is where the problem comes in though, is you go to take action.
Challaine (10:40)
I'm sure I do.
Help me wake up better, Charity. Help me wake up better.
Charity Stilson (11:03)
and we're paralyzed or we self-sabotage or whatever because of these limiting beliefs.
Challaine (11:08)
and we're taking action before we are aware and we accept.
Charity Stilson (11:12)
Exactly, exactly. So two things. When we look at the nervous system, we have, you mentioned fight or flight, we have two parts to the nervous system. We have sympathetic mode, which is fight or flight. We have parasympathetic mode, which is emotional calm and physical rest. That is where we should spend most of our time, but we do not. No, we do not. And even when it's time to unwind and I'm guilty, I mean,
Challaine (11:35)
We're not doing that. No, we're not.
Charity Stilson (11:41)
Yeah, I'm addicted to stress. Have I overcome it? No. Like it's a work in progress. You know, sometimes I literally have to say, I'm not listening to another podcast. I'm traveling in the car for two hours, but I am just going in silence and sitting with myself. Like we don't need more, more, more all the time.
Challaine (11:45)
Of course.
That's definitely me. I was in a period, it was last year, and I had listened straight, like eight to 10 hours a day of Mel Robbins' podcast, 186 episodes, back to back back to back to back. Didn't listen to any other audio books or any other podcasts, and my husband's like, are you not sick of her fucking voice yet? Like, how can you keep doing, like,
Charity Stilson (12:11)
and that's great.
Challaine (12:27)
in all this information. but it's a new episode and it's new topic and I just love Mel and blah blah blah. So yeah, I get that.
Charity Stilson (12:35)
Well, and Shalane, that fear of missing out or I'm fear of missing something or this is such good information I need to get it all in. the truth is like your brain truly doesn't have the bandwidth to. Okay, so you listen to it. What did you, I mean, you may get the gist, but like, was it really worth all the time?
Challaine (12:52)
You know, it
was, I am going to be honest, in hindsight, it probably wasn't, but I started my podcast because of Mel. Right? So that was good. But I think for me, it's like, if I don't do all these things that I have the intention to set out during a day, the hour, the week, whatever, then it's like, added to my list, right? And this list just keeps on growing and growing. I'm like,
Charity Stilson (13:00)
Seat good, yes.
Great.
Challaine (13:21)
Well, if I would have just taken the hour out of that day to get this done, then my list wouldn't really be getting shorter because I would just add more stuff to my list. you know what mean? So yeah, I think β that's where I struggle with it is just it's okay to have a freaking list.
Charity Stilson (13:31)
Yes.
Yes.
Yes, it is. And it's okay that, you know, some things continue. The other thing too, though, is having realistic expectations about ourself. I mean, my list sometimes is so long that it's like, is this really realistic for any human being to accomplish this? You know, especially in the amount of time that I think I need to. And that is really what my problem was when I first discovered this. Like my expectations of myself were way too high, which is a belief system, right? Whether I've gotten it from myself or from my parents, like it's a belief system.
So those two things, Shalane, we talked about first thing when you wake up in the morning, just take a few minutes to like evaluate the things that I tell my clients to do do not require more time. When you think about stress or stress resilience, like what do you think the tips are that most people say? Yes. And if you're addicted to stress and you're busy, are you going to go for a walk? No. Exactly. Yes.
Challaine (14:28)
Go for a walk.
No, I don't have time because I have something to do. Yeah.
Charity Stilson (14:39)
So these things do not require, I mean, the tips that I give really are just become a habit in your daily routine, but also they require less than two minutes and they're powerful. They're backed by neuroscience, like they really work. So as soon as you wake up, before your feet even hit the floor, just evaluate, okay, am I already anticipating what my day is going to be like? Am I calm? Am I nervous? This morning when I woke up, my chest was a little bit heavy.
And so even though I had a lot to do, I had somebody coming right at 8 a.m. It's like, okay, just take a few minutes. And I actually have incorporated sometimes listening to just a quick 10 minute meditation or something to just help calm myself down a little bit. If you don't have time for that, it's really simple. All it takes to reset your nervous system is three simple deep breaths.
Now breath work is all the rage right now. It's everywhere and it is amazing. And again, are you going to take the time and you should, but most likely when you're starting with this stress addiction, you're not going to take an hour out of your time to go to a breath work class.
Challaine (15:38)
Come here.
And you know, it's interesting
that you bring this up because I was chatting with a gal yesterday and she had reached out on social media, excuse me, and wants to get help with sobriety and recovery. And she's like, everyone that I talk to, they're telling me to just breathe. And if breathing was like the tool for getting sober, nobody would have a problem with drinking, right? So like it's more than just breathing.
Charity Stilson (16:18)
Exactly.
Challaine (16:22)
We all breathe. We all breathe. And to get into like deep breath work where it's actually, β what did you say about resetting your nervous system? That takes like time and skill and energy and practice. I think.
Charity Stilson (16:22)
Great.
Yes.
And awareness. Like when you're trying to break an addiction to a substance, your brain is in the habit of I need this, I need this, I need this. You know, so what is the trigger?
Challaine (16:41)
Exactly.
if you're gonna
start breathing, you're like, okay, when can I have my next glass of wine, right? Like you're just, you're not there. So yeah, that awareness is key for sure.
Charity Stilson (16:56)
Great.
Right. Yes. So
in the morning, simply just taking three deep breaths will reset the nervous system. I challenge my clients to do it five times a day, which sounds like a lot, but really if you do before bed, when you wake up and then your three meals, which you should be eating, most of us are stressed, get meals, you know, or I tell my clients when they get, when they get better about it, set your alarm clock.
on your phone for a random time like 10 17 a.m or 2 57 and check in with yourself like am i in this habit or am i like okay i'm good like i
Challaine (17:40)
And that's
really prioritizing yourself too. I maybe not for like a live recording like this. excuse me, Charity, I have to breathe right now, right? But like if you're with your family or like family gathering or you're at the mall or whatever, you're out for a walk with someone, with some friends. Be like, I need some time just for like a couple minutes. I'm going to pause. I'll be right back. And that's like, I think setting boundaries, which I think is important.
Charity Stilson (17:43)
Yes.
Right.
Challaine (18:09)
a boundary for yourself, right? Like I'm committed to this activity that I'm going to do so I can just be a better me, right? So it's okay to like step aside for a few minutes.
Charity Stilson (18:10)
Yes.
Right.
Yes. And sometimes, Shalene, like you said, sometimes you don't have a few minutes. So I mean, tell college students, if you're stressed about your exam, take a breath. If you're in a social situation, just take a breath. Taking a breath is a normal thing. I mean, if I just do this, naturally, when we get stressed or we build too much, you consciously, okay, I'm good. It can be that simple, but
Challaine (18:37)
Hahaha
Mm-hmm.
Charity Stilson (18:49)
taking three deep breaths really does reset it. It's a deeper thing. You know, and of course you can go into breath work and all of that. But again, it's a learned thing. And eventually you do want to take the time to do those things that are good for you. But in the moment, that's not really a possible thing. So back to the neural. Ask your question, then I'll go on to the neural pathways and the subconscious.
Challaine (19:07)
Do you? Go ahead.
if you had any more tips for the morning, so getting up, doing our deep breaths, how else can we kind of set our date? How can we give our day a good foundation?
Charity Stilson (19:25)
So
So that is my first tip. The second one is I actually have a method that I have come up with where I've combined a lot of different β techniques and I actually have that in a PDF, Shalane. We can share that with your listeners. β I call it the mountain method and it really is about stress and anxiousness, that kind of thing, but it really does help the whole entire mind and body.
and it has processes in it to reset the nervous system, to help process emotions, all of those kind of things. But when you learn how to do it, it really takes two minutes. So if you take three deep breaths and you do this mountain method every morning and night, just that alone, you're going to see significant changes.
Challaine (20:15)
That's beautiful. Now, there's gotta be like good stress, is there not? Okay, let's justify good stress.
Charity Stilson (20:21)
Yes. interestingly, yes.
mean, if think about it, like stress gets us cortisol, cortisol gets the worst rap and it can be horrible. However, if we don't have cortisol, we don't wake up in the morning. like, cortisol is a good thing. We got to keep it in rap though. But truthfully, there are three aspects of stress. We fight or flight is what we always hear about.
Challaine (20:37)
Okay, cheers. To your next.
Charity Stilson (20:48)
Okay, the other mode of stress is what I call the challenge mode, β which is really like meeting whatever the stress is with a different perspective in that like if I'm prepared for a presentation or a speaking engagement or this podcast, my stress level goes down and it's a good stress. Like, yes, you get a little bit nervous. That's normal. That's a good thing.
Challaine (20:48)
Thanks for watching!
Charity Stilson (21:14)
You know, and yeah, I know, I know my information. I can present it. can talk. And then when I'm finished, I get that dopamine hit because I'm like, β that felt really good. Like was I stressed? Yes. But it's doing a good thing and I'm prepared. So it's a different response in the body. It's a healthy response. The third one is the third mode of stress is actually what I call like your tribe or the Tendon befriend mode. And this
Challaine (21:42)
Attend
or befriend? Attend and
Charity Stilson (21:44)
Tend and befriend. So this
is actually from, you know, classes that I've learned is backed by science. And if we have, you know, think of your most stressful situation, Shalane, you know, if you're having a really stressful day or you're in a project and it's like, my gosh, I'm so frustrated. Who do you call?
Challaine (22:07)
Who do I call? You know, that's interesting because when we started talking, my most stressful situation is my husband. So, but he should be my first person. Yes, he is my first person that I would call if something's going crazy, but he also like brings a lot of crazy and I'm a part of that relationship. So I bring the crazy too. So it's not all on him, but β he's my first person.
Charity Stilson (22:16)
Okay.
Okay, so two things that you mentioned there, all right? Okay, so it doesn't have to be your husband. Like he can be my person in these aspects, but if it's a, a business thing or a tech issue, he's not a tech person per se. Like I'm going to call someone else. But if I have somebody who supports me, you know, and I have had some really tragic things happen in my life. And one of the worst times it was horrible, I was outside of the hospital. I was so frustrated and
Challaine (22:37)
You
No.
Charity Stilson (23:03)
I sat on the grass and I had to make a phone call on this lady. I didn't really know her that well, but I just knew she, she had the tools that I needed and I called her. And so of course I'm just telling her all my things, super stressed, super frustrated, crying, all of those things. And she said, Charity, just stop. said, okay. She's like, look for the helpers. You're surrounded by them.
Challaine (23:25)
I will try.
Charity Stilson (23:33)
And she's like, it still makes me a little teary-eyed because it was a huge wake up call and I was grateful, but I'd forgotten that. Like when we have people who support us and we have our tribe, then our stress level comes down. We still have the stressful situation. Nothing irritates me more than when a doctor would say to me in the past, I don't go to them very much anymore. Like get rid of some of your stress. Are you kidding me? What am I going to get rid of? Like,
I have eliminated all the things that I possibly can. Like our stress is not going to go away. It's just there. And some of it is good, some of it's bad, some of it's not pleasant. That's okay. But what the key is, is we have to learn how to respond in a more healthy way. Okay, so back to your husband, you said he's a lot of my stress. I'm a lot of his stress, it's you you are in the relationship. But
A lot of times we have those environmental triggers that are creating that stress. You know, and it can be an underlying stress that just is kind of there because of what has gone on in the situation or yeah, I'm at this, I'm doing this task, but my brain's really still back here. You know, so the biggest thing in that is number one, being aware. Every time I drive to work and I'm in traffic, I get to this one intersection, it drives me crazy.
Okay, like you know that intersection is that way, find a different way or just know that that's going to be that way. And then you don't have the expectation that's going to be different and your stress level goes down. You know, we keep expecting a different result and then we're disappointed. Like, okay, accept it that that's what it is. It's not going to change and it's okay. But also what's my viewpoint on it? Like what is my
Challaine (25:04)
Accepted.
Charity Stilson (25:27)
insecurity or my trigger by whatever it is that they're doing. You know, we make it about us. Yes, we make it about us. Yeah, exactly. So environmental things are huge. But again, back to that subconscious piece, like, become aware, you know, and truthfully, like your brain neuroplasticity, it used to be like, yeah, your brain's this it's just no, it is not that way.
Challaine (25:31)
like that expecting a different result. But it's just not going to change.
Charity Stilson (25:57)
Our body reproduces new cells every so many days, depending on what part of the body it is. Neuroplasticity is a real thing. Yes, you have to work at it, but you have to become aware too.
Challaine (26:13)
Speaking about working on things, I want to tap back to my husband here. And we are heavily invested on nurturing our relationship and growing our relationship. We have come a long way in the past eight years and especially over the past couple years while we've both gotten sober and thinking with clear minds. And one thing that has really become a focus in our relationship is not a blame game.
anymore. You did this, you did that, and not looking at the problem, but what is the solution? We know what's happening here. Okay, we've talked about it, we've yelled about it, we've whatever, we've gotten upset about it. That's not going to change unless we come to a solution. So for us to keep going back and forth, well you did this and you did that, it's not going to change anything, right? Because we end up getting in like
Charity Stilson (26:51)
Yes.
Challaine (27:12)
this defensive mode of we both have to be right or then one of us stonewalls the other and one of us will walk away. So we've really like come together and have accepted, well first become aware if the β situation is getting heated β and then we've accepted like this isn't working the way that we've been communicating or β just arguing with each other, right? So let's...
move past this, accept each other, accept ourselves for who we actually are as individuals and like what we have to bring to our relationship. But how can we come to a solution to the problem? Never mind the problem, what's the solution, right? I'm trying, yeah.
Charity Stilson (27:56)
Right, Yes. So Shalene,
I think add something to that case. So you're looking for the solution, but what is the subconscious belief that's within each of you that keeps it going? Like what is the trigger and why is that so like annoying to me or why does that upset me? You know,
Challaine (28:04)
I'm open. Yeah.
You know, to be
honest, the biggest thing, and I'm sharing this out to the internet, to the interwebs, is I have a very masculine energy, and he's very, very masculine. So we butt heads, right? So for me to β be, like, fall into my feminine and be more soft and more soft or spoken, β it's a challenge for me to show up in that space, and it's a challenge for him fighting with a fucking man all the time.
Charity Stilson (28:50)
Right,
three, two,
Challaine (28:50)
right? So like there's this like
power struggle of I'm the man, no I'm the man. I don't say that but you know what it
Charity Stilson (28:56)
Yes.
Right. So, Shalane, so I love this point that you're bringing up because, okay, we all have masculine and feminine anus, you know, and we all have our nature. And in Chinese medicine, you have the five elements. I'm more an earth element, which is those who are more the caretakers and make sure everyone's okay. Well, that's a great, great. Yes.
Challaine (29:18)
Can you pause you for one second since you brought that up? Do you
know off the top of your head what the five elements are for those who are listening that could resonate with, I'm this or I'm that?
Charity Stilson (29:26)
yes.
Yes, I work with them all the time. So you have fire, earth, metal, water, and wood. Okay, so let me tell you the emotions that go with it. And then I mean, you can we could do a whole episode on this.
Challaine (29:41)
I was just
thinking the earth, wind, and fire. So here we go. I'm open, I'm listening.
Charity Stilson (29:46)
Yes, okay. So
fire is joy and sadness. Earth is worry. Fire, earth, metal is grief. Water is fear. And wood is anger. So
Challaine (30:00)
I've never
heard any of this. This is enlightening.
Charity Stilson (30:02)
Yeah,
that's this is a part of what I do and it's why it's powerful because you get to the emotional root of things and what it is affecting in the body and your mind. It's it it really is mind blowing. But think about that. Like, you know, I have a client who comes to me and like they're a little bit angry. They get frustrated a lot. Well, their liver is not doing what it needs to do in the body. And so our liver is an amazing organ.
from one to three a.m. it processes. It's like the secretary of our body. It's like, I experienced joy and sadness that goes to the heart. I was afraid at this point that goes to my kidney. But if your liver is overwhelmed and it's not functioning physically, it's going to affect you emotionally too. But those would.
Challaine (30:46)
You said 1
to 3 a.m. Does that happen if you're awake or asleep? Only when you're asleep, okay?
Charity Stilson (30:49)
No, when you're asleep.
So people come to me and one of the questions I ask them sleep is huge. What is your sleep like? Well, I have a hard time falling asleep but you know, or I fall asleep but I wake up every night from one to three am. Yep, that's a liver issue. Three to 5am is a lung issue. So you can look at those things and it really tells a story. But it really is
can be, you you can think of people who are more wood element people. They're more frustrated. They're easily to anger, you know, but the but the positive aspect of that is anger moves us to a good place. Anger is not a bad emotion. It's just what we do with it.
Challaine (31:33)
I have a real live
experience right now. Sorry to cut you off, but it's about this. You've just added to my list because I am so intrigued by what you're speaking about, these five elements. So I'm like, holy shit, I have to learn about all of these elements now, like my liver and my heart and my lungs. So this is happening. This is starting to process in my brain.
Charity Stilson (31:51)
Yeah.
Challaine (32:02)
when we hopped on earlier and we were figuring out and we did a screen share and I'm sure you saw the thousands of tabs at the top of my screen. As soon as I log off of here, I'm going to open another tab and save it for for later researching these five elements. What should I do? How can I navigate this?
Charity Stilson (32:11)
guilty.
Yes.
right. Well, and really the key is, Shalane, like our body is speaking to us all the time. When we're addicted to stress, we don't listen to it. We just plow through it. Okay, so what I would do if I was starting with five elements, and of course we have chat GBT and all these amazing things that we can look up this stuff now used to be harder to find. β
But you know, okay, I always have shoulder tension. Look up Chinese medicine, five elements. What is the meaning of my shoulder tension? You'll be blown away. So whatever your physical. Yeah, yes, it is. But it's a but it's enlightening because those things that are there are going to be linked to your belief systems and to your emotions of why we keep this addiction distress going.
Challaine (33:03)
That's a huge rabbit hole. my big toe hurts. β
Charity Stilson (33:20)
it's deeper than what is on the surface. And when you get to those deeper things, like things change. So the body works on, and this will lead into the neural pathways, the body works on a downward causation model. Physical is at the bottom, which is what we focus on, right? Now we're becoming more aware of emotions and our mental state. On top of that, we have what is called consciousness.
And consciousness really is like how I view the world, how I respond to the world, how I see myself in the world. So it really is about our belief system. Yes. Yes. Okay. So if we only, and this is when, when I first started working with clients, I really only looked, I studied only the physical and clients would get better, but then it would repeat itself. Well, then I learned that, yeah, well, we've got to look at the emotion.
Challaine (33:52)
So like your beliefs and your values? Okay, yeah.
Charity Stilson (34:14)
Everything in the body has a physical aspect, an emotional aspect, and a consciousness aspect. And we have to look at all three. And when we look at all three, then that's when the true healing within happens. And it lasts because we're actually balancing those things and helping the body, you know, work on those things. So, yes, yes.
Challaine (34:37)
And that's holistic approach.
Charity Stilson (34:40)
So if we look at the consciousness level in those belief systems back to that subconscious and conscious mind, you know, from the ages zero to seven, your brain is in a theta state. You are learning how to survive in the world. You're in this little family, regardless of what the circumstances are, you're learning what is safe. How do I function? How am I seen? How am I left? Like we, that's where our belief systems are formed. And
That's from age zero to seven, you know, after that there's different stages and then of course our environment later on affects those things. But we form belief systems based on our perspective of how we see the world, how we respond to the world, how we think the world is viewing us. And then we have this part of our brain called the reticular activating system that constantly is looking in our environment to make those beliefs true. Let's take a simple example of
I'm going to go buy a new car and I have this car in mind. I get on the lot. I want this specific brand or specific make and I find the coolest color. So I've never seen this color. So that is the car I'm buying. You drive it off the lot and what happens on the way home? You see 10 other cars that look exactly like yours. See all of sudden the brain has an awareness of like,
Challaine (35:59)
See y'all in a minute. Yeah.
Charity Stilson (36:06)
let me look at you know all of sudden my view is open and at any one point Shalane we have our perspective we have our belief systems we have our subconscious beliefs but at one time you could look at me and say well but what about this perspective there's always a different possibility to look from always
Challaine (36:30)
I was just going to say that with the whole car thing, that's a choice. So what if we like project ourselves into the world looking for love, looking for peace, or looking for calm? We could go down a whole rabbit hole here with the law of attraction and what you put out into the world comes back to you. But if that can happen with a β physical
Charity Stilson (36:35)
Yes.
Yes.
Challaine (36:59)
car and then you keep seeing that car imagine the things that you can't actually see that can show up in your life. β Excuse me.
Charity Stilson (37:05)
Yes, because whatever we focus on, it expands, positive
or negative. And so this is the tool that I use with my clients for this aspect. And of course, in sessions, we go much deeper than this, but this is the take home lesson that I have them work on. And it is these two very, very simple words that seems so simplistic, but yet they are so powerful and it is called not useful.
That is it. Not useful. Yes, okay. So we have the neural pathway, our brain is used to going down this pathway, it's used to thinking the same thought, I wake up, I'm automatically stressed, I'm worried about my day. Okay, I'm doing that, become aware, not useful. And then you've got to have what we call that's a pattern interrupt. We've got to have the brain go to the other aspect. So
Challaine (37:37)
Okay, it's like mic drop.
Could you give
a real world example of I'm doing my day to day and then I can use not useful.
Charity Stilson (38:08)
Okay, this is from a personal experience. Like I had an individual that was like, like still to this day, I'm not over it. Like I can think of that person and I can get so just like frustrated when we were in the shower or we're getting ready for the day. Like we do those things out of habit. We're doing the dishes. We do it out of habit. And I came to realize that every morning when I was in the shower, I, this person, I would start thinking about this person and
all of the situations it involved. And I simply had to just tell myself, not useful. And then I would have to think of something else, like what is something positive in my day or think about somebody that you love or something. It can be a song, anything like that. You know, for me, driving in the car is a triggering thing because of our car accident, especially in the rain, because that's what happened. Like if I see rain,
I like instantly panic. I don't want to drive. I have to tell myself not useful, like get in the car, drive, take a breath, think about something else, turn on the music, something. But we really have to work to get our brain to think over here instead of going down that pathway. But it goes back to the same thing. Awareness, take action, say not useful.
That's going to be the pattern interrupt. That's the key to get the brain to go, β I don't go down this pathway anymore. I got to go down a different neural pathway.
Challaine (39:36)
And I've also heard
along that mindset that say thank you. Thank you for the thought, not useful, we're moving on. speaking of thank you, I want to thank you for sharing your vulnerability and you got a little bit teary-eyed a little bit here on, which is important, right? I think expressing those emotions, we're constantly in a state of healing. So anytime we can let this stuff out, we're constantly...
Charity Stilson (39:41)
Yes.
Yes.
Challaine (40:05)
trying to heal and grow. Now can you just go back there for one more second before we wrap up and what did that woman say to you that was so impactful that still has an impact on you today?
Charity Stilson (40:18)
She said, look for the helpers. So simple. Also, Shalane, like extend that a little bit and like, how can you be the helper? And I will say this too, like, yes, that changed my life in that moment. It was a really tragic moment, but I also try to be a helper in the fact that like, when I go into the grocery store or, or I see people or a waitress or whatever, I really try to just
Challaine (40:21)
for the helpers. It's so simple.
Hmm.
Charity Stilson (40:48)
be smile, smile and just be pleasant and happy. How are you? How was your day? How are you doing? Because some people like their lives are really stressful and sad and you may be the only thing that gives them a smile. So yes, we have helpers, but we can helpers. It does. And it doesn't have to be big. Yes.
Challaine (41:03)
And that is changing the world. That is changing the world, anything. Even though
it may be so small, I mean, you don't need to go and feed a whole country to change the world. Because your impact or your kind tone or your kind gesture changes the world for one person.
Charity Stilson (41:13)
No.
So I
saw one last thing, Shalane. saw last week, this lady was talking about how everyone wants to change the world and we have all these world issues. And she said, but nobody wants to do the dishes for mom. And she said, you know what? None of us are going to change the world on a global scale, single-handedly, but look in your little environment, look in your little tribe, look in your people and make a difference. Yes.
Challaine (41:49)
And find the helpers!
Charity Stilson (41:51)
and be that person and make
the difference and you will change the world.
Challaine (41:57)
It's so beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing that. Thank you. I like to end every episode with β if you can pull on from the top of your hat β a quote or something that really stands out in your mind. I'll often, I repeat β on the show, every journey begins with a single step. That is one I like to use. β Does anything pop up for you?
Charity Stilson (41:59)
Yes. You bet.
yes,
my favorite quote that really helped me is, and this was in my addiction distress and hard traumatic times was, never ever let anyone or anything steal your inner peace.
Challaine (42:33)
say it again.
Charity Stilson (42:34)
Never ever let anyone or anything steal your inner peace. Yep, I love it. Yep.
Challaine (42:39)
Don't do it. It's not worth it. It's not worth it.
Charity, thank you so much for being on the episode today, for being vulnerable with me and our listeners and sharing your Mountain Method. β We will attach that. Well, my assistant, well, I don't even know how to attach things. I'm going to say we're going to attach it. You know what? I will put it in the blog. So I do a blog.
Charity Stilson (42:59)
Hey, that's great. There you have your tribes, Elaine.
Challaine (43:08)
post for the episodes. So at the very least your PDF will be in my blog post and we will try to get it into the episode. β How can people reach you?
Charity Stilson (43:21)
How can they reach me? So I have a website, just charitystilson.com. β I am on Facebook, although I prefer LinkedIn, but you can find me. Just search my name and you can find me. Just DM me, send me a message.
Challaine (43:23)
how can they work with you?
easy peasy.
You have a ton of valuable information and insight and like I said the first time that we spoke I was like addicted to stress. What? I understand alcohol, substances, β gambling, all these things but addicted to stress, fascinating. I'm really looking forward to this conversation. So I'm so glad that we finally got to have it. So thank you. β
Charity Stilson (44:01)
You bet, you are welcome.
Thanks for having me.
Challaine (44:03)
Absolutely. And thank you to our listeners β for tuning into another episode of Let's Have a Chat. We had a fantastic chat today. Please like, share, Twitter, TikTok, do whatever you need to do. Get this episode out there. And as always, I hope you have the best day ever and we'll chat soon.